Different

It hit me just now as I was singing Coryn to sleep just how very different her life will be growing up than mine was. I'm not really sure why it just hit me so strongly, maybe the reality of it is finally sinking in. This process is never ending it seems. I was singing a song about Mommies and Daddies and it just seemed so unfair to me that she is my one child who will never remember a time when she had a "normal" family. She definitely has two parents that love her but those two parents are very much living separate lives. Lives that are going in very different paths. She will never see her parents embrace, kiss, hug or glance lovingly at each other. She will never ride in a car to a soccer game, dance recital, choir concert with both of her parents. She will never open gifts on Christmas morning with her entire family present. These things make me so sad for her. I never realized growing up what a blessing it was to have both parents always there. I took it for granted. I'm sure my parents had their rough patches but they stuck it out and I'm so very grateful that I never had to watch my parents move on. I am so thankful that they loved me and each other enough to work it out. I hope that just because it is different, it is still a most awesome life. That I don't screw this part of it up more.

Day 5 GF

I feel human again. And I also had a weird reaction to a piece of normal pizza today. I was at a friend's and saw it...literally just SAW it, and normally I'd be all over it, but it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I was almost disgusted by it. It was strange and caught me off guard.

I woke up this morning, the irritability that was so heavy yesterday had vanished and I had a level of energy return. A friend of mine told me that they call that the gluten free flu. Those few days coming down off of it. She goes GF for her rheumatoid arthritis. Although she is much stricter than I am and limits her sugars as well. I hope that each day I keep seeing these sort of improvements. I'm proud that I have made it this far.

Gluten-free

It seems that gluten-free has been on my path for awhile now. In 2010, my middle daughter was having terrible stomach pain. We sought specialists at Children's Mercy Hospital and after testing but no biopsies it revealed that she was borderline Gluten Intolerant. Without a biopsy she couldn't truly be diagnosed. We went gluten free with her, but the stomach problems continued. At this time I bought several books about going gluten free and did a lot of internet reading. One of the books was Gluten Free for Dummies We went another route with my daughter and the books sat on the shelf gathering dust. Fast forward to the present. I have not had a great quality of life for quite some time. I struggle with depression, I am hypothyroid, I never have ANY energy, and my number one complaint is my insane allergies. Last week while talking with my girlfriend, Christy, I was convinced that trying a GF diet for myself might not be a bad idea. In an instant I made the decision and today is day four of being GF. I am definitely going through some sort of withdrawal as I don't feel good right now and my fatigue? It's worse. Everything I read though tells me to give it a week or two. I plan on documenting my experience and some of the resources and recipes that I am relying on here. So far the diet reminds a bit of the South Beach diet but with some carbs like Potatoes, Rice and Quinoa pasta. I am also pleased that I can have many of the treats that other diets restrict so much. My first resource and recipe that I am going to share are an interesting read about the thyroid/Gluten connection and the recipe is for flour-less pizza crust(and let me tell you it was GOOD!) So here goes:
http://chriskresser.com/the-gluten-thyroid-connection
AND:
http://glutenfreeeasily.com/flourless-gluten-free-pizza/

Barefoot and Happy

A year ago at Christmas, it took all the strength I could muster to pretend to be present at the Christmas going ons. I suppose I was lucky that it was our year to be in Colorado. I was surrounded by my immediate family who were all just as sad as I was at the demise of my marriage. Just a simple glance between my sister and I and tears would well up in both of our eyes. My father would touch me in passing and we'd end up in a hug, both sobbing. My children could be found on the floor in our room in tears as well. It was perhaps our lowest point. During one of these cryfests, I removed myself from the rest of the family to go to my room. My mom followed shortly thereafter and she said something that I haven't forgotten, but at the time did not believe. In fact I thought she was crazy. Whether she knew it to be true or not at the time or if she was just speaking it to make us both feel better, I'll never know. She doesn't remember even saying it, but I do. She spoke these words to me..."In a year you won't even recognize your life."

Here we are a year later and guess what? My mom was right. I never knew a year ago that I would be working, that I would be in a new house that I adore and that is all mine, that my kids would seemingly be adjusted to our new life, that I would be adjusted to my new life and most amazingly that I would find a man who in my eyes was created perfectly for me. And that my folks is what this meandering post is all about. That guy.

He's amazing. He is spiritually balanced, loves our God, has a wicked sense of humor, a smile that makes me melt and arms that make me feel safe and warm. He is someone that I can spend hours talking to or just sit quietly with. When I began praying for God to prepare someone for me, I never could have imagined that he would be Dan Pennington. You see we went to high school together. We weren't friends back then. I knew who he was, he knew who I was, that was the extent of our teenage relationship. I never looked across the hall at him and thought...hmmmmmmm. I never really thought anything at all about him. This past year he went through the same experience that I did, a devastating divorce.

I, being a Facebook addict, noticed him posting 10 days of gratitude on his page. I saw a depth and spirit in him and began to comment. His thoughts were making me think. At the end of the ten days, he sent me a message and we began corresponding about how our faith got us through. We agreed to meet. I wanted to give him a copy of Alan Wright's sermon, Love Like You've Never Been Hurt(remember that one?). We met at a bar(how cliche)around 8 PM. He walked in all smiles. I'll never forget the moment he came around the corner and smiled. We easily fell into conversation and it never stopped. We ended up closing the place down, only to move to the grass next to a nearby lake where we sat for hours more talking and listening to music. I think we were there until almost 3 AM. It was not supposed to be a date, but it most definitely ended as one. He walked me to my car where I was going to give him the sermon and we kissed. It was awesome. We were connected so instantly. He pulled away and I said something to the effect of "you know you want another one" and he threw the papers into the air and really kissed me. It was the most magical kiss/date I had ever been on. That was August 1. We are almost to January 1 and it feels like we've known each other our entire lives. He is a true blessing to me.

So mom, you were right. I don't recognize my life. At all. I am happy, in love and thankful beyond belief. God has reigned down his blessings on me over and over again. I love my barefoot, guitar playing, bald, painter.

Thanks A lot

That is not sarcasm or a Girl Scout cookie. That is my heartfelt sentiment this evening. This morning I woke up in my house, got out of my big comfy bed, went to my kitchen, where I made a big pot of hot coffee, I then sat in my living room and read from my favorite devotional. A book that was given to me by a wonderful couple who have been a part of my life since I was a child. The devotional is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning's message was appropriate for the week we are celebrating. It was talking about a thankful attitude and how it opens the windows of heaven where we are given glimpses of eternity. I envisioned this in two ways. The first was a beautiful Colonial on top of a bright hill, the windows open, revealing soft cotton curtains blowing out. The view inside was obscurred because of the light outside of the house, but it was such a welcoming scene that I imagined wanting to be in that house and seeing what happens inside such a splendid home. The second image was that of a home at night. This time I was able to peer in the windows because the house was lit up. In each room, there was warmth and a feeling of family. The light inside was welcoming as with the light on the outside of the first home. I want to be in both of these homes. I love the glimpses I get right now of heaven. They are exactly as I have described these two scenes. It is amazing that I cannot humanly comprehend what heaven will be like. I think about that. I think about some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and I know they are but a speck of what the true beauty of heaven will offer me.

I am thankful that I have been blessed with the knowledge of heaven. That I have been given the opportunity to express my faith. I imagine how differently this past year would have been without my Heavenly Father holding me. Without him to cry to in sadness and pain. Without him looking out for me and my girls. How sad it is for people who don't have my God in their lives to help them through the rough patches. I want everyone to have him and know him.

I sat there this morning surrounded and aware of all of the many blessings that I have to be thankful for. It has been a rough road on my way to that house, but with each hiccup along the way, God has created so many more things to be thankful for. Is my life what I planned it to be? No, but it is exactly what God planned it to be. And for that I am truly thankful.

Therapy...Revisited

And the joke is on me. Wow, I had fooled everyone around me and most importantly myself into thinking that my life was just fine. I truly believed it. After my divorce was final I sort of coasted into this fun lifestyle of hanging out with my friends when I didn't have my kids and being a mom when they were here. I handled a move, a couple of vacations, homework, piano, and soccer. I did it all with a smile on my face and sarcasm on my tongue. If my ex was brought up, my inner class clown could come out faster than you could blink. Survival. That was what I was doing. And I tried to look fashionable doing it.

Where did that get me? Well I'll tell you where. Remember my last post? I feel the need for a retraction of a few sentences. Mainly the ones dealing with me being fine. The rest of it still holds true.

My kiddos came home Monday night and reality hit me in the face. They were a mess. I can't even imagine how they had held all of that in, but they did and boy did they let loose. Feelings just started exploding in me rapidly. By Tuesday night I was becoming a mess and there were some other personal things that added to that, but the central issue was that I had not really healed and that wedding bothered me a ton more than I could have imagined. Wednesday I broke. It happened rapidly. I felt enraged. I wanted to explode there was so much emotion and pressure in my chest. I couldn't eat, concentrate or even have a real conversation. By this morning it was worse. I would say it was worse than when he moved out. So bad! I dropped Coryn off at pre-school sobbing(awesome), started my drive downtown, made it halfway and then called my old therapist. He got me in immediately. In fact he came in early just to meet with me.

So here I am again sitting in Dr. Steve's office and this time I'm pissed off. I believe one of the first things I told him was that I felt like he was living his dream life and I was stuck carrying around a bag of shit. That's how I feel. I didn't choose any of this and while I know I have my health and I have my beautiful girls and I have the most amazing group of friends who rally around me in love and prayer, there is still this bag of shit that just sticks with me. He put it in my life and I can't put it down. He responded that I needed to do a little activity. He handed me a bat and then showed me to a dummy/punching bag thing and told me to hit it with my anger. I felt silly at first but then I started feeling it. I was yelling and hitting. I started sobbing uncontrollably and landed in a heap on the floor. When I stopped crying I truly felt relief. I need to do that three times a day. We talked a lot but what I realized is that I still have a long way to go and therapy is going to be a reality for me. So here I am again doing my post-therapeutic graduate work in rebuilding my life from the ground up. I go back Monday.

The final nail

Yesterday my ex-husband got remarried. It's such a strange feeling to know that your ex is married now to someone else. This is the person that I gave 20 years of my life to. I think other people had more emotional problems with the wedding than I did. I had some moments leading up to it but on the actual day yesterday, the only sadness that I felt was for those three girls that we created together. They were standing there watching their dad marry the woman who he had left our family for. It was gut-wrenching to think about. I am not a product of our divorce nation. I do not know how it feels to be a child who has to make their way in the muddy after effects of a choice that an adult who should never let you down makes. I received text messages from Ella that tore me apart. She wanted to come home. She outright said she wasn't happy about it. As a mother my instinct was to hop on the next flight and go be with my children and their delicate souls and minds. But this is something I have had to grow through. I don't have control or a say in everything that goes on in their lives. I can't protect them from this painful reality. I can't protect them from something that NEVER should have happened to begin with. It saddens me to see not only my children but so many kids that are in this position of having to make sense of a life of betrayal and bad choices.

My hope for my children is that they can see past the betrayal and accept love as they go forward without fear of rejection or of having their hearts torn out. It is something that I struggle with myself, but I can handle it. I'm an adult. I want them to know that all men do not leave, all men do not cheat, all men are not weak and cowardly. Some men stand up in the midst of a valley in their marriage and pray for God to come into the marriage and heal and protect. That is what I pray for these three girls, that they find those kind of men.