Hope is Waning

I never thought I'd be taking my kids to therapy. I never thought I'd be contemplating my life without my husband. I never thought I was capable of crying the buckets I have cried. I just never thought this would be my life. It is unbelievable to think that a year ago everything was flowing along fairly normally. And now we are all just caught in the big hole from the bomb of him leaving.

I have been full of hope throughout this process and I still am. I still do not plan on being the person to end this marriage. I don't believe in that, but I am seeing him making the moves to do that.

My heart sank earlier today when my 9 year old told me that my 11 year old had said there was no faith left!!! No faith? That shook me and then I realized that she actually meant hope. No hope left! That one didn't shake me nearly as bad. I have felt it as I imagine they have too. I was about to go all Mama Bear on my husband for rocking my kids faith, but no need to. Luckily their faith is as strong as ever. Where would we be without it? As for the hope, I told her that we can have hope, it will just be for different things. That we have to make our own new normal. And I know this is where therapy is going to help us all. Not to mention we have the most awesome therapist EVER! I am so glad he is here to guide us. And even more happy that he has God also. We talk a lot about scripture and my God moments. I told him on the phone last night that I have still not been given permission to give up on my marriage by God. Even though I am starting to falter. He asked me if God sends mixed messages. Hmmmmmm. Good point Dr S. No he does not! His messages are loud and clear right now.

So I continue to ride this roller coaster of emotion, maybe a little less hopeful, but still not giving up. I am in the fight of my life!

How to live like a Billionaire

This is what greeted me this morning when I popped on the computer. An article on MSN all about money. The picture alongside the title had a man sailing on what I am sure was a pricey sail boat. I immediately thought, "how sad". How many of us spend our lives trying to live like a billionaire? We put all of our time and effort into the temporary and often times damaging things that are just that, things! Things that can't make us happy, that can't make our families stronger, that can't make our marriages better, and most importantly cannot bring us closer to God. Granted I judged the article before I even read it. And I clicked on it because I am a curious being. The article itself was a relief. It was actually talking about living frugally and within our means. So I commend the author on grabbing my attention and making me think.

Sometimes during the Christmas season, I start to feel sick and bombarded by the shallowness of our society. Bigger, better, more, stuff, stuff, stuff. It is frustrating raising children in a world where they are told daily that they need this or that. That they aren't good enough if they don't have a cell phone, or Uggs, or the latest designer whatever. I had a conversation with my 11 year old just this week about how she has been made fun of because she doesn't have a cell phone. She's 11!!! It made me mad that my child would be made fun of because she doesn't have an object that no 11 year old really needs. I mean most adults don't really "need" a cell phone. Yes they are convenient, but a necessity they are not. And this comes from the girl who has and loves her iPhone, but recently realized that it isn't a need. I will be parting with it next week in an effort to simplify.

Over the next year, I would like to set some goals for simplifying my life. Some of these include downsizing our home. We live in a oversized house and only use about half of the space; if even that. It requires a lot of upkeep, is expensive to heat/air condition and the taxes are through the roof. So that is my first goal. My second is to stick to Dave Ramsey. Cash only! Planning ahead ALL of our expenses. The third is to find ways for our family to connect and have fun that are free or at the least very inexpensive. These are the first three and I have more that I would like to add, but don't want to set too many goals at this point. My motto will be "Live simply so that others may simply live".

If I am serious about my walk with God, then these things will come easily for me. I will continue to pray that God guides me on my path to simplicity and that he fills me with all of the "stuff" that I could ever need. His love!

Grief

I've lived a charmed life. There is no question about that. I was born into a family that although there were struggles at times, in the grand scheme of life was idyllic. I had this nagging fear for years that the shoe was going to drop. I even have mentioned this to people in my life saying that no life could be this charmed. I didn't appreciate that life. I can't believe I am even saying that. How does one live a life so beautiful, full of wonderful people and experiences and not appreciate it? It's crazy that it takes the shoe dropping for a person to open their eyes and see the forest through the trees.

In college I remember studying the stages of grief. And over the course of the past few months I have recognized Kubler-Ross' stages appearing in my life. Denial-check, Anger-check(I didn't visit this one long), depression-still working through this one at times, Bargaining-yeah still here at times as well, and acceptance...I've been here a few times, but am unwilling to give up. Why? Because nobody has died. There is still hope. There will always be hope.

Tonight I received an email from Sharing the Light ministries. This is a ministry run by Alan Wright. In another God moment, answer to a prayer, whatever you want to call it, the right words came at exactly the right time. My grief took hold of me tonight. I stood in my kitchen staring at the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, not understanding where I/we went so wrong. Pleading(bargaining) to him to give us a chance. My hope wanes at times, but God continues to fire me up about my marriage. Why? Because I SHOULD be fired up about my marriage. I understand more clearly now how I am called to love, accept and forgive. I never understood this in my unappreciated idyllic life. NOW I get it. So I lay in bed tonight unable to fall asleep and I prayed for God to help me through this. At midnight I got up from bed and came to the computer, looking for a distraction or anything that might numb my mind enough to fall asleep and the first thing I see is an email from Sharing the Light ministries. And what is the topic? It is "Love Like You Have Never Been Hurt". In the sermon that followed I read the story of Joseph and the funny thing is, that today, this was not the first time I had thought of Joseph. He was thrown into a pit by the people who should have loved him most. How many of us grieve because we too are in a pit that wasn't what we expected or planned for? I am not placing blame for the pit I am in. I take full responsibility for my slow descent into it. What I am trying to get at is that this person, Joseph, could have given up in his pit, but he didn't. He didn't wallow in the grief that he could understandably have. Even being sold into slavery didn't deter him. God had a plan for him and he allowed the events of his life to unfold in God's way.

So I look at the stages of grief and know that because I am human I will continue to visit them. I will continue to feel, but I will also know that God has amazing things planned for me and that good will come from this. I would love to imagine that the Good will be a beautiful reconciliation with my husband who I adore, but I also have to be prepared for God's plan to take me a different direction. I don't have control over my destiny, but I am so glad that God does.