Grief

I've lived a charmed life. There is no question about that. I was born into a family that although there were struggles at times, in the grand scheme of life was idyllic. I had this nagging fear for years that the shoe was going to drop. I even have mentioned this to people in my life saying that no life could be this charmed. I didn't appreciate that life. I can't believe I am even saying that. How does one live a life so beautiful, full of wonderful people and experiences and not appreciate it? It's crazy that it takes the shoe dropping for a person to open their eyes and see the forest through the trees.

In college I remember studying the stages of grief. And over the course of the past few months I have recognized Kubler-Ross' stages appearing in my life. Denial-check, Anger-check(I didn't visit this one long), depression-still working through this one at times, Bargaining-yeah still here at times as well, and acceptance...I've been here a few times, but am unwilling to give up. Why? Because nobody has died. There is still hope. There will always be hope.

Tonight I received an email from Sharing the Light ministries. This is a ministry run by Alan Wright. In another God moment, answer to a prayer, whatever you want to call it, the right words came at exactly the right time. My grief took hold of me tonight. I stood in my kitchen staring at the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, not understanding where I/we went so wrong. Pleading(bargaining) to him to give us a chance. My hope wanes at times, but God continues to fire me up about my marriage. Why? Because I SHOULD be fired up about my marriage. I understand more clearly now how I am called to love, accept and forgive. I never understood this in my unappreciated idyllic life. NOW I get it. So I lay in bed tonight unable to fall asleep and I prayed for God to help me through this. At midnight I got up from bed and came to the computer, looking for a distraction or anything that might numb my mind enough to fall asleep and the first thing I see is an email from Sharing the Light ministries. And what is the topic? It is "Love Like You Have Never Been Hurt". In the sermon that followed I read the story of Joseph and the funny thing is, that today, this was not the first time I had thought of Joseph. He was thrown into a pit by the people who should have loved him most. How many of us grieve because we too are in a pit that wasn't what we expected or planned for? I am not placing blame for the pit I am in. I take full responsibility for my slow descent into it. What I am trying to get at is that this person, Joseph, could have given up in his pit, but he didn't. He didn't wallow in the grief that he could understandably have. Even being sold into slavery didn't deter him. God had a plan for him and he allowed the events of his life to unfold in God's way.

So I look at the stages of grief and know that because I am human I will continue to visit them. I will continue to feel, but I will also know that God has amazing things planned for me and that good will come from this. I would love to imagine that the Good will be a beautiful reconciliation with my husband who I adore, but I also have to be prepared for God's plan to take me a different direction. I don't have control over my destiny, but I am so glad that God does.