Hope is Waning

I never thought I'd be taking my kids to therapy. I never thought I'd be contemplating my life without my husband. I never thought I was capable of crying the buckets I have cried. I just never thought this would be my life. It is unbelievable to think that a year ago everything was flowing along fairly normally. And now we are all just caught in the big hole from the bomb of him leaving.

I have been full of hope throughout this process and I still am. I still do not plan on being the person to end this marriage. I don't believe in that, but I am seeing him making the moves to do that.

My heart sank earlier today when my 9 year old told me that my 11 year old had said there was no faith left!!! No faith? That shook me and then I realized that she actually meant hope. No hope left! That one didn't shake me nearly as bad. I have felt it as I imagine they have too. I was about to go all Mama Bear on my husband for rocking my kids faith, but no need to. Luckily their faith is as strong as ever. Where would we be without it? As for the hope, I told her that we can have hope, it will just be for different things. That we have to make our own new normal. And I know this is where therapy is going to help us all. Not to mention we have the most awesome therapist EVER! I am so glad he is here to guide us. And even more happy that he has God also. We talk a lot about scripture and my God moments. I told him on the phone last night that I have still not been given permission to give up on my marriage by God. Even though I am starting to falter. He asked me if God sends mixed messages. Hmmmmmm. Good point Dr S. No he does not! His messages are loud and clear right now.

So I continue to ride this roller coaster of emotion, maybe a little less hopeful, but still not giving up. I am in the fight of my life!