Divorce

Just when we seem to be moving along and healing, we are brought back to our reality. For each of us, it comes at different times which is probably better. If all four of us were to sink into the pit at the same time, who would be there to save they day. To lend an ear, a hug, or to confirm that yes indeed this sucks.

Unfortunately over the last 24 hours, all three of my girls have struggled. And it has been in ways I haven't seen since December or January.

For E all of the changes are coming at her too quickly. She has never liked change and so the idea of moving scares the crap out of her. It doesn't matter that she isn't changing schools. It does matter that the last place we all lived together will no longer be her home. She is struggling with me moving on as well. I think she is seeing that I am over him and realizes that this truly means that it is over and life IS going to be different.

For T, it's anger directed at all of us. She can't say what's on her mind so instead she blows up at the slightest thing. We had this conversation tonight.
T: mom do lots of people get divorced?
Me: unfortunately, yes.
T: like one a day?
Me: more than one a day. :(
T: that's terrible. It should be like one a year.
Me: I too wish it was more like that.
So between fits of anger and then thoughtful conversations such as this one, I can tell that she is concerned about our future.

C wants to pray. She loves to pray and is always an eager volunteer when a prayer is needed. Tonight she asked me to pray. As I prayed she started sobbing. I asked her what was wrong and she replied that it was Daddy leaving. And why did he leave? That's a hard question to answer on a four year old level. I can't say "he left because he was a coward, because he wasn't happy, because there was someone else". So instead I just hold my sad girl and tell her that we both love her and that she will get to see her Daddy tomorrow. It appeases her but I know she is confused.

Luckily I was in a place where I could handle all three of my daughters and their respective meltdowns. It is a painful reminder that we are not through the fire. That we are still fighting and healing and fighting some more. And it is also a reminder to me to not get too comfortable with my new situation. In the words of a wise friend, "just because you are in a good place now, does not mean that they are." This was shown to me pretty deeply today and last night. I will continue to dialogue with them, keep them talking and hopefully healing.