Reflections

I sat in church yesterday and was reminded how blessed I have been this past year. The sermon was all about being in the presence of God, and feeling his spirit. The speaker talked about how some people don't ever feel the spirit whereas others feel it constantly. I immediately thought about how I have actually been bathed in the spirit for vast amounts of time as I have gone through all of the emotions that come with a marriage ending. I feel blessed because I was raised in a home of faith and I am surrounded by people of faith. So when things started going South, I turned to my faith. I prayed almost constantly. And in return I felt his spirit just as constantly. I still felt the pain of my emotions, but it was less sharp and I felt less alone.

One thing that I recognize as God's part in this past year are all of the people he has brought into my life to help me heal. There is a cheesy saying about how people are brought into our lives for seasons. I have had it sent to me through email so many times, I couldn't possibly count them, BUT while the cynic in me sort of makes fun of the saying, I believe this to be true. I have watched this happen in my life over the past year. I am thankful for each and every person who played a role in my healing.

I think about the night J.R. left. I took my scared and crying children to my parents where we were all administered to by my father and brother in law. These are the people who are in my lifelong "season". I drove home in tears and was met by my friend, Cindy, who sat up with me all night long while I cried and talked.

There were the days that followed where I showed up at my Bible study and the women there sat and prayed with me. I couldn't go anywhere where I wasn't reminded that he was sending people to me to help me get through this. People that were completely unexpected. People that had been strangers that now were playing a huge role in my healing. Sent at exactly the precise time that I needed them, to help me exactly where I was right then.

As I have healed, I have stopped allowing myself to be bathed in his spirit. I have stopped waking up in the morning to my devotions and to my prayer. Life has caught up with me. I am happy and therefore my human nature has taken over and I have started controlling my own life again. I have not allowed God to be my leader or even my companion. It is starting to show in some areas of my life.

I loved being in his presence during this past year so I'm not quite sure why I allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. It requires a lot of discipline to stay grounded in your faith. This is not something I have ever been known for. It is my biggest weakness. I hope that with this reminder from yesterday, I can come back into his presence. I enjoyed it there. It is a safe and peaceful place. I am a better person for being there. I don't want to live without it.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33