I'm sort of a big deal

Not really. But for the last week, this is the way I've felt. If ever a blog has been so aptly named, this week, Her Head in the Clouds is EXACTLY what I have been. I am in love...with my life. I am happy and content. Even the summer cold from hell cannot take me down.

I closed on my new house last Thursday, July 7. I spent the next few days arranging, rearranging and organizing this special place until everything felt just right. I used to have a chair in the old house that was my sanctuary from life. This entire house feels that way. I miss my old neighbors being so close, but I also know they are only a 5 minute or less drive away if I need them.

Some of the things I love about this house:
The front porch...I have had my coffee out there every single morning.
The smaller size
The window above my kitchen sink
My new fridge
Having the big t.v. in my living room and no t.v. in my bedroom
Being able to make every. single. decision. myself.

While everything is in it's final place, I cannot handle the white walls. Every single wall in this house is white. Stark white! So, over the next year I will be transforming the inside of this house into a beautiful collection of colors that will make my heart even more happy.

The icing on the cake was Thursday night when my dad embraced me and told me how proud he is of me. I LOVE my life.

Opening my heart

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I made a conscious decision to allow my heart to open up to someone. I could have closed myself off and not done it. I could have decided I didn't want to be hurt. I could have let fear keep me from feeling, but I didn't. I threw all reason aside and opened it up. It felt good to feel again. To be touched physically and also emotionally. It felt good to listen to music that spoke to the feelings that I was having. By opening up my heart, I healed just a little bit more. This person helped me feel beautiful and relevant again. He was sent to me for this purpose. I truly believe that it was mutual healing that we did together.

So now this phase, whatever this was, is over. It makes me sad, but I am also thankful that I got to experience it. That sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. I never imagined that he and I would be joined together on this journey. I want to thank him for it, for helping me heal and I probably will sometime when the sadness has lessened. For now I will just know that I am capable of having feelings and get ready for the next adventure and people who are coming into my life.

Things that make me laugh

Laughing is essential in life. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to share the things that make me laugh with others. So enjoy these two things that brought me joy this week.

This is one that I had already seen but it just never gets old. I could use some of this shampoo this week:


Jenny at the Bloggess always makes me laugh. I stalk her blog. This particular entry/article has brought me such great laughs. I just have to share it:
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/cosmetic-vagina-surgery-0616111/

Cheating, Adultery, Douchebaggery...whatever you want to call it

I had a conversation today with someone who will for obvious reasons remain nameless. The conversation involved this person divulging to me that they had had an affair. This person actually thought I'd understand why they went outside of their marriage because I have spoken that I am happier now that I am away from marriage, which is a true statement, but the thing is even though I can say that now, I still would not have ended my marriage because of this. I didn't feel sympathy for this person and their loveless marriage or the fact that they weren't happy. I was pissed off. I had to remind myself that this was an opportunity for me to share my thoughts on this subject.

The first thing I told this person is that they owed it to their marriage/spouse to do everything possible to strengthen and to renew the relationship they had. I honestly believe most marriages can be saved if both parties will just get past their own selfishness and really look at the person that they married and see their needs. I loved two books last year The Love Dare and also The Five Love Languages. I recommend them to anybody who I think might need them. They didn't save my marriage but that was because only one of us wanted it to be saved.

If saving the marriage isn't possible then they owe it to that spouse who they promised their life to, to leave them before any kind of cheating occurs. Being cheated on is humiliating. It makes you feel worthless and it brings up so many raw emotions of betrayal at its greatest level. I could have accepted a mid-life crisis, a hormonal imbalance, that my spouse didn't love me or that he was homo-sexual easier than I could have an affair. This person actually told me that their marriage was just dull and boring now, that they wanted the thrill of the first kiss and the first date. I get that. It is exciting, but I would trade that in a heartbeat for the constancy of marriage, for a partner to talk to about issues in my life, someone to make decisions with and someone who knows you who knows your body and that comfort level you just have with a spouse. I miss that.

I then went on to ask this person what kind of relationship they expected to have with the exciting party once they both have left their dull lives and hopped the fence. Crazy answer! "They get me", "Physically it is amazing", "we have fun together". Well no shit. It's fun because it's like you are on a roller coaster. It's partly scary and partly thrilling, but the ride ends. And then you are left with this person, with each other, two people who can't be trusted. What then? You sit around and wait for the first one to cheat? That sounds like an amazing way to live your life.

I have no idea if I reached this person. I probably didn't, but at least I didn't sit idly by and allow them to spew this crap and make it sound like they deserved better. I imagine they won't be coming to me for advice or as a good ear in the future. I have some major opinions on this and I can't give on them. It isn't ok with me. I don't want to hear about it. In fact I'm pretty fired up about it right now. It would probably be best for me to avoid this particular couple for the long haul now.

The ADD guide to packing up a house

The title is misleading because I have no intention of guiding or even helping with this post. I just had a good laugh at myself as I realized that in the last hour of "packing" I have been in Coryn's closet and packed up 1 box of her shoes. I was in Ella's room where I packed up a box of her stuff and then back to Coryn's room where I made her bed, at which time I found a picture she drew that I wanted to keep so I headed downstairs where I opened up the cabinet where all the kept pictures are and decided that I should make a kid craft box. What a great idea because then they can still have their craft stuff for the next two weeks. I actually accomplished this task and was thinking I should go through those cabinets some more when I realized that I had intended on finishing up another box that was downstairs with the coats from Coryn's closet as padding. I suppose you get the idea at this point. It would be so much freaking easier to get this house packed up if I could just FOCUS!

Does anyone have some Ritalin to spare? God help me!

The men in my life

"I live with her in the beauty of peace and of all delight and sweetness, I am directed by her counsels, supported by her prayers. I press forward by her merits, I am upheld by her kindnesses and daily I enjoy conversation with her."

Guibert of Gembloux regarding Hildegard of Bingen


I have been watching my oldest, for the last couple of years, forge a friendship with the boy across the street. It is interesting to watch. At times I think there is somewhat of a mutual crush that is happening and then at other times, I see them acting just as friends do. They spend any time that they have at home, together. He is a fixture at our house and is a great kid so I don't mind. We will be moving in a couple of weeks and I know this will be hard on them, but we'll make every effort to continue this friendship from a few neighborhoods away. This friendship has made me reflect on all of the great male/female relationships I have had in my life and how those "boys" helped me become who I am now.

My first boy/girl friendship was with a boy named William. He lived next door. He constantly had a Kool-Aid mustache and could do no wrong in his mother's eyes. We spent hours playing kickball, riding our bikes and just hanging out in the side yards between our two houses. He was my first kiss although it was gross and it never happened again, and he was the one who spilled the beans on Santa. I have no idea where William is now, but he gets the honor of being my first male "friend".

A few years later...ok actually a lot of years later and I am in high school...I met Bryan. Bryan and I were probably the most unlikely of friends. This was a relationship that teetered on friendship/romance constantly. We never tipped the scales into the romance department though. He had an apartment our senior year in high school(long story) and I spent a ton of time there. I had a crush on his best friend, which resulted in a fight between the two of them. We shared our dating adventures and misadventures with each other. I was hurt on my wedding day when Bryan didn't show up. Out of every friend who was important for me to have there, he was the one. Honestly I would have had him stand up with me. Bryan reappears in my life every now and then and it is like we have never been apart. He is now married to a beautiful woman and has three gorgeous kiddos and I could not be happier for him. He is in politics now, which is no surprise to me at all.

Jeff came along around the same time that Bryan did. We went to church camp together. We spent hours watching all of the 80's brat pack movies. Breakfast Club will forever be our movie, and I'll never be able to enjoy a Kit-Kat ever again thanks to him. Jeff worked at the movie theater with my boyfriend at the time and so I saw a ton of movies with the two of them. Jeff and I rode to school every day together and then we spent our freshman year at Graceland together. He was like the brother I never had. I ran into him at a Mavericks game awhile back and he hasn't changed a bit. He is an artist now.

When I got married it was harder to keep up these friendships. I let them slide. Partly because I didn't feel that it was appropriate for me to be so close to these guys. I never realized how much I missed having male friends in my life until J.R. left. He never really filled that role for me. We could laugh and have a good time together, but he and I never had that bond that I had with my other male friends throughout my life. That brother bond.

In October I received a message through Facebook from a guy, Travis, that I had gone to junior high/high school with, offering me support during this difficult time. He was going through a similar situation and we began corresponding. I honestly am not quite sure that I would have made it through these past 8 months without him. He knows everything that goes on in my life. I know everything that goes on his. We talk/text every single day and he has given me some of the best advice. He lives in Atlanta(he's a wine/beer/liquor distributor) so we don't see each other. I met him in 7th grade history class. My opinion of him at that time was not that great. He sat next to a girl(bully) who made my life hell. I associated him with her. He then asked me out a few years later and I turned him down rather harshly. I thought he was arrogant and full of himself and wanted nothing to do with him. We laugh about this now. I can't imagine not having him in my life.

Around this same time, Nick came into my friendship loop. Although he is my first guy friend that I have mixed "dating" with. He has also been a constant support during this difficult time. He was a completely unexpected friend for me. I've known him for several years, but never really got to know him. He's funny and easy to talk to. I love that he is introducing me to my new single life by showing me new adventures outside of my suburban bubble. I refuse to let the "dating" mess up the friendship aspect of us though. I like having him as a friend too much.

Then there's Mike. Hi Mike(cause I know you are reading this). He is my Twitter friend. He too has shared the depressing journey of my past year. He makes me laugh and offers me support when I need it. I tease him relentlessly about being his stalker. I think he and I will be friends for a long time. When are we accidentally going to Blanc? (see how I did that? to force you to comment ;))

There are other men who have been my friends at one time or another. They are not less important in having some sort of impact on my life, these are just a few that stand out to me as I reflect today.

People often discuss whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There can be an argument on either side honestly. I have feelings for all of these guys. Are they romantic? Not necessarily. Have there been romantic feelings or confusion with some of them? Yes. But with that said, most of them, I would never have crossed that line because I wouldn't have wanted to muddy the friendship waters. I truly feel like men offer women a distinct and truthful view of life. Women tend to nurture and agree with each other. I have found that if I want the honest truth with no cushion, then I should ask a guy. I know this works the other way as well. Case in point: Travis texted me awhile back on a first date and asked if it was ok for him to get the number of ANOTHER girl while his "date" was in the restroom? Since he wasn't going to go out with this girl again. My response? "Hell no!!" And then the next time we talked I chastised him for even thinking that might be kosher! These questions and interactions are the beauty of male/female friendships.

As I watch my daughter with her first male friend, I reflect on how important the male friends I have and have had are to me. I hope that my daughters find some really great guy friends growing up to share their journeys with, to ask embarassing questions to, to make memories with. I can't imagine my life without these guys in it.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A long time ago I made a promise to my children. It was a similar promise to the one that I made to my husband. Basically it was that I would be married for life. That they would never have to worry about their mom and dad getting divorced because we did not believe in giving up and took our vows before God seriously. This came up because we had some friends divorcing and it scared the kids. They saw their friends going through this terrible trial of life and even with their young hearts they knew that they never ever wanted to go through that same pain. I remember exactly where I was when we had this conversation. We were driving down 7 highway headed home from said friend's house. J.R. was not in the car with us.

Flash forward to yesterday. I had an appointment. My mother came over to watch the girls while I was out. When I returned she told me that the girls had opened up to her about a lot of what they have been feeling and seeing. Tara specifically brought up the fact that I had made this promise years before. My mother, my tactful and carefully worded mother, explained to her that I meant that promise, that I would have never broken that promise and that I did everything I could to keep that promise. And Tara's response was "I know my mom worked to save our family. It is because Daddy wanted a girlfriend."

They know the score. They have never had to be told the score. He was selfish and so he ruined his family so that he could have the grass on the other side of the fence. I somehow don't think that grass is going to be very filling or fulfilling. I don't really care if it is or isn't. I am sort of shamefully just glad that my children are smart enough to figure out what happened here. I honestly feel guilty for feeling that way, BUT I do.