Broken

Broken- I have a stained glass window that was given to us from my parents one year for our anniversary. They were removed from the church where we were married and my parents came across two of them at a charity auction. It sits next to my whirlpool tub where I meditate and pray almost every night by the glow of candles. A few months back, while cleaning, I accidentally knocked the window over and one of the panes broke. My heart sank. If I had to tell you one object that I favor more than any other, it is that window. I couldn't believe how incredibly clumsy I had been and felt ashamed and sad about it. I never could have known that the breaking of that window was foreshadowing my life that would follow.

Broken- My heart, my home, my family. All three of these things are broken. I have been thinking about this post for some time. I think much more eloquently than I often write. Bear with me.

In June my entire world turned upside down when my husband of 15 years decided that he wasn't sure that he loved me anymore. He became cold and distant toward me. The looks that came my way could only be described as disgust. It was a very difficult burden to bear, but I decided to love him through it. Because that is what we are called to do when we say our marriage vows. It isn't just in the good times, there is also that so overlooked phrase "and bad". When you are getting married you can't imagine that anything will ever be bad with this person who you have fallen in love with and chosen to be with until death do us part. So what happens when one person decides it's too hard? That they don't want to try? That they could never possibly love or respect you again? You keep on loving them. It is called unconditional love and it is absolutely the most awesome gift that you can give to your spouse but it is also the most awesome gift that you can give yourself. I made a choice to love and God did not let me down. He filled me with so much love. Love like I had never imagined. Love for him, for my husband, my children, friends, even strangers. He lifted a veil from my eyes and showed me how much he loves me and hurts for me and so many others each and every day when we don't praise him and turn to him in our times of need.

My all time favorite Psalm has taken on such a deeper meaning to me now. It is Psalm 139. It has become my lifeline to God along with my prayers.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

God knows how and when this journey is going to end. Part of me thinks that I needed to be broken to learn humility and to also fall in love with him in a way I never would have, had I not been shattered into tiny little pieces. Unlike me who swept away the shards of glass too frustrated to put it all back together, God sits with me through each minute of every day putting my pieces back together, carrying my broken body and heart and loving me all along the way.

I leave you with the words from a favorite song of the moment.

It is Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Minefields