As I have crawled out from under my rock and started blinking into the light, I have realized how absolutely self absorbed I have been. Not in a me me me sort of way. Just in the survival mode sort of way. There for awhile I had nothing else to give. Anything I DID have to give was for my three girls. And that was it. We ate out way too much, didn't take care of appointments like we should have, didn't get haircuts, didn't go to church, didn't socialize, didn't clean our house like it should have been and I could go on like this. We survived. I survived. We closed into ourselves and protected our hearts like never before. But now, now I see the sun. I think they see the sun. And a lot of what I see makes me so sad. So many people that I love and so many people that I don't even know are in pain. I have friends fighting for their literal lives. I have other friends drowning in their marriages, friends whose children have struggles and those who have lost very special people in their lives. I have a grandmother who is the oldest of seven girls, who is watching her sisters slowly fade out from this world and it makes my heart hurt for her. I have a cousin whose baby has severe delays and so far it seems there is nothing they can do for him. I have a friend who is fighting colon cancer like a freaking rock star. I watch the news about Japan and see all of the people who have no family anymore. I can't even wrap my brain around that. Entire families just gone.
Here's the light at the end of this depressing tunnel though. And there is light. It is our heavenly father. I know this because he was there with me during my moments of despair. He laid next to me on my living room floor as I cried my eyes out the night my husband left. He brought amazing people into my life that I never would have even imagined and each one left their mark on me forever. He is still bringing people into my life. And I know it is him. I have felt him and know that although he doesn't promise us that this worldly life will be easy, he does promise to walk by our sides and carry us when we need to be carried. He will bless us through our pain. And so now my prayers change. I can stop focusing so much on my own life and problems and now I can concentrate my faith on praying for those people around me who need to feel his embrace.
Do not fear, for I am with you...for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
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