I never thought I'd be taking my kids to therapy. I never thought I'd be contemplating my life without my husband. I never thought I was capable of crying the buckets I have cried. I just never thought this would be my life. It is unbelievable to think that a year ago everything was flowing along fairly normally. And now we are all just caught in the big hole from the bomb of him leaving.
I have been full of hope throughout this process and I still am. I still do not plan on being the person to end this marriage. I don't believe in that, but I am seeing him making the moves to do that.
My heart sank earlier today when my 9 year old told me that my 11 year old had said there was no faith left!!! No faith? That shook me and then I realized that she actually meant hope. No hope left! That one didn't shake me nearly as bad. I have felt it as I imagine they have too. I was about to go all Mama Bear on my husband for rocking my kids faith, but no need to. Luckily their faith is as strong as ever. Where would we be without it? As for the hope, I told her that we can have hope, it will just be for different things. That we have to make our own new normal. And I know this is where therapy is going to help us all. Not to mention we have the most awesome therapist EVER! I am so glad he is here to guide us. And even more happy that he has God also. We talk a lot about scripture and my God moments. I told him on the phone last night that I have still not been given permission to give up on my marriage by God. Even though I am starting to falter. He asked me if God sends mixed messages. Hmmmmmm. Good point Dr S. No he does not! His messages are loud and clear right now.
So I continue to ride this roller coaster of emotion, maybe a little less hopeful, but still not giving up. I am in the fight of my life!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
How to live like a Billionaire
This is what greeted me this morning when I popped on the computer. An article on MSN all about money. The picture alongside the title had a man sailing on what I am sure was a pricey sail boat. I immediately thought, "how sad". How many of us spend our lives trying to live like a billionaire? We put all of our time and effort into the temporary and often times damaging things that are just that, things! Things that can't make us happy, that can't make our families stronger, that can't make our marriages better, and most importantly cannot bring us closer to God. Granted I judged the article before I even read it. And I clicked on it because I am a curious being. The article itself was a relief. It was actually talking about living frugally and within our means. So I commend the author on grabbing my attention and making me think.
Sometimes during the Christmas season, I start to feel sick and bombarded by the shallowness of our society. Bigger, better, more, stuff, stuff, stuff. It is frustrating raising children in a world where they are told daily that they need this or that. That they aren't good enough if they don't have a cell phone, or Uggs, or the latest designer whatever. I had a conversation with my 11 year old just this week about how she has been made fun of because she doesn't have a cell phone. She's 11!!! It made me mad that my child would be made fun of because she doesn't have an object that no 11 year old really needs. I mean most adults don't really "need" a cell phone. Yes they are convenient, but a necessity they are not. And this comes from the girl who has and loves her iPhone, but recently realized that it isn't a need. I will be parting with it next week in an effort to simplify.
Over the next year, I would like to set some goals for simplifying my life. Some of these include downsizing our home. We live in a oversized house and only use about half of the space; if even that. It requires a lot of upkeep, is expensive to heat/air condition and the taxes are through the roof. So that is my first goal. My second is to stick to Dave Ramsey. Cash only! Planning ahead ALL of our expenses. The third is to find ways for our family to connect and have fun that are free or at the least very inexpensive. These are the first three and I have more that I would like to add, but don't want to set too many goals at this point. My motto will be "Live simply so that others may simply live".
If I am serious about my walk with God, then these things will come easily for me. I will continue to pray that God guides me on my path to simplicity and that he fills me with all of the "stuff" that I could ever need. His love!
Sometimes during the Christmas season, I start to feel sick and bombarded by the shallowness of our society. Bigger, better, more, stuff, stuff, stuff. It is frustrating raising children in a world where they are told daily that they need this or that. That they aren't good enough if they don't have a cell phone, or Uggs, or the latest designer whatever. I had a conversation with my 11 year old just this week about how she has been made fun of because she doesn't have a cell phone. She's 11!!! It made me mad that my child would be made fun of because she doesn't have an object that no 11 year old really needs. I mean most adults don't really "need" a cell phone. Yes they are convenient, but a necessity they are not. And this comes from the girl who has and loves her iPhone, but recently realized that it isn't a need. I will be parting with it next week in an effort to simplify.
Over the next year, I would like to set some goals for simplifying my life. Some of these include downsizing our home. We live in a oversized house and only use about half of the space; if even that. It requires a lot of upkeep, is expensive to heat/air condition and the taxes are through the roof. So that is my first goal. My second is to stick to Dave Ramsey. Cash only! Planning ahead ALL of our expenses. The third is to find ways for our family to connect and have fun that are free or at the least very inexpensive. These are the first three and I have more that I would like to add, but don't want to set too many goals at this point. My motto will be "Live simply so that others may simply live".
If I am serious about my walk with God, then these things will come easily for me. I will continue to pray that God guides me on my path to simplicity and that he fills me with all of the "stuff" that I could ever need. His love!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Grief
I've lived a charmed life. There is no question about that. I was born into a family that although there were struggles at times, in the grand scheme of life was idyllic. I had this nagging fear for years that the shoe was going to drop. I even have mentioned this to people in my life saying that no life could be this charmed. I didn't appreciate that life. I can't believe I am even saying that. How does one live a life so beautiful, full of wonderful people and experiences and not appreciate it? It's crazy that it takes the shoe dropping for a person to open their eyes and see the forest through the trees.
In college I remember studying the stages of grief. And over the course of the past few months I have recognized Kubler-Ross' stages appearing in my life. Denial-check, Anger-check(I didn't visit this one long), depression-still working through this one at times, Bargaining-yeah still here at times as well, and acceptance...I've been here a few times, but am unwilling to give up. Why? Because nobody has died. There is still hope. There will always be hope.
Tonight I received an email from Sharing the Light ministries. This is a ministry run by Alan Wright. In another God moment, answer to a prayer, whatever you want to call it, the right words came at exactly the right time. My grief took hold of me tonight. I stood in my kitchen staring at the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, not understanding where I/we went so wrong. Pleading(bargaining) to him to give us a chance. My hope wanes at times, but God continues to fire me up about my marriage. Why? Because I SHOULD be fired up about my marriage. I understand more clearly now how I am called to love, accept and forgive. I never understood this in my unappreciated idyllic life. NOW I get it. So I lay in bed tonight unable to fall asleep and I prayed for God to help me through this. At midnight I got up from bed and came to the computer, looking for a distraction or anything that might numb my mind enough to fall asleep and the first thing I see is an email from Sharing the Light ministries. And what is the topic? It is "Love Like You Have Never Been Hurt". In the sermon that followed I read the story of Joseph and the funny thing is, that today, this was not the first time I had thought of Joseph. He was thrown into a pit by the people who should have loved him most. How many of us grieve because we too are in a pit that wasn't what we expected or planned for? I am not placing blame for the pit I am in. I take full responsibility for my slow descent into it. What I am trying to get at is that this person, Joseph, could have given up in his pit, but he didn't. He didn't wallow in the grief that he could understandably have. Even being sold into slavery didn't deter him. God had a plan for him and he allowed the events of his life to unfold in God's way.
So I look at the stages of grief and know that because I am human I will continue to visit them. I will continue to feel, but I will also know that God has amazing things planned for me and that good will come from this. I would love to imagine that the Good will be a beautiful reconciliation with my husband who I adore, but I also have to be prepared for God's plan to take me a different direction. I don't have control over my destiny, but I am so glad that God does.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Broken
Broken- I have a stained glass window that was given to us from my parents one year for our anniversary. They were removed from the church where we were married and my parents came across two of them at a charity auction. It sits next to my whirlpool tub where I meditate and pray almost every night by the glow of candles. A few months back, while cleaning, I accidentally knocked the window over and one of the panes broke. My heart sank. If I had to tell you one object that I favor more than any other, it is that window. I couldn't believe how incredibly clumsy I had been and felt ashamed and sad about it. I never could have known that the breaking of that window was foreshadowing my life that would follow.
Broken- My heart, my home, my family. All three of these things are broken. I have been thinking about this post for some time. I think much more eloquently than I often write. Bear with me.
In June my entire world turned upside down when my husband of 15 years decided that he wasn't sure that he loved me anymore. He became cold and distant toward me. The looks that came my way could only be described as disgust. It was a very difficult burden to bear, but I decided to love him through it. Because that is what we are called to do when we say our marriage vows. It isn't just in the good times, there is also that so overlooked phrase "and bad". When you are getting married you can't imagine that anything will ever be bad with this person who you have fallen in love with and chosen to be with until death do us part. So what happens when one person decides it's too hard? That they don't want to try? That they could never possibly love or respect you again? You keep on loving them. It is called unconditional love and it is absolutely the most awesome gift that you can give to your spouse but it is also the most awesome gift that you can give yourself. I made a choice to love and God did not let me down. He filled me with so much love. Love like I had never imagined. Love for him, for my husband, my children, friends, even strangers. He lifted a veil from my eyes and showed me how much he loves me and hurts for me and so many others each and every day when we don't praise him and turn to him in our times of need.
My all time favorite Psalm has taken on such a deeper meaning to me now. It is Psalm 139. It has become my lifeline to God along with my prayers.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
God knows how and when this journey is going to end. Part of me thinks that I needed to be broken to learn humility and to also fall in love with him in a way I never would have, had I not been shattered into tiny little pieces. Unlike me who swept away the shards of glass too frustrated to put it all back together, God sits with me through each minute of every day putting my pieces back together, carrying my broken body and heart and loving me all along the way.
I leave you with the words from a favorite song of the moment.
It is Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Minefields
Broken- My heart, my home, my family. All three of these things are broken. I have been thinking about this post for some time. I think much more eloquently than I often write. Bear with me.
In June my entire world turned upside down when my husband of 15 years decided that he wasn't sure that he loved me anymore. He became cold and distant toward me. The looks that came my way could only be described as disgust. It was a very difficult burden to bear, but I decided to love him through it. Because that is what we are called to do when we say our marriage vows. It isn't just in the good times, there is also that so overlooked phrase "and bad". When you are getting married you can't imagine that anything will ever be bad with this person who you have fallen in love with and chosen to be with until death do us part. So what happens when one person decides it's too hard? That they don't want to try? That they could never possibly love or respect you again? You keep on loving them. It is called unconditional love and it is absolutely the most awesome gift that you can give to your spouse but it is also the most awesome gift that you can give yourself. I made a choice to love and God did not let me down. He filled me with so much love. Love like I had never imagined. Love for him, for my husband, my children, friends, even strangers. He lifted a veil from my eyes and showed me how much he loves me and hurts for me and so many others each and every day when we don't praise him and turn to him in our times of need.
My all time favorite Psalm has taken on such a deeper meaning to me now. It is Psalm 139. It has become my lifeline to God along with my prayers.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
God knows how and when this journey is going to end. Part of me thinks that I needed to be broken to learn humility and to also fall in love with him in a way I never would have, had I not been shattered into tiny little pieces. Unlike me who swept away the shards of glass too frustrated to put it all back together, God sits with me through each minute of every day putting my pieces back together, carrying my broken body and heart and loving me all along the way.
I leave you with the words from a favorite song of the moment.
It is Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Minefields
Friday, November 12, 2010
347
This number appears to me almost everyday. The interesting thing about it is that it is the time I was born. I have noticed it for a long time but it wasn't until recently that I started to really take note of how often it shows up in my life. It is often the total of a bill or the change I am to be given. It will be written on a bus or seat as I am passing and just happen to glance up. Almost every day I glance up at the clock at exactly 3:47. I can't tell you how many times I have glanced at the clock in the early morning hours at exactly this time. Pulled from sleep at that exact moment.
As a person intrigued by numbers(not math...I suck at math) I am also interested in the fact that 3+4=7. Ok you can call me a total nerd now, but wait there's more. The number 7!!! This is where I find my peace. The number 7 is biblical. It is the number of spiritual perfection.
Seven in Hebrew means to be full,satisfied, to have enough. On the 7th day God rested after his creation was complete. The 7th day is the day of rest, our Sabbath. And there are so many more interesting "coincidences" about this number. Really you should Google it because it makes my love for my number 347 all the more important to me. You see things right now are rough for me. I am looking for peace and love and I find it encouraging when I see MY number during the day. Do I think of it as a coincidence? Absolutely not! I KNOW in the deepest place of my heart that it is God telling me that he is here for me, loving me, holding me! He bears my burden.
How precious is Your steadfast love, oh God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. Psalm 36:7
As a person intrigued by numbers(not math...I suck at math) I am also interested in the fact that 3+4=7. Ok you can call me a total nerd now, but wait there's more. The number 7!!! This is where I find my peace. The number 7 is biblical. It is the number of spiritual perfection.
Seven in Hebrew means to be full,satisfied, to have enough. On the 7th day God rested after his creation was complete. The 7th day is the day of rest, our Sabbath. And there are so many more interesting "coincidences" about this number. Really you should Google it because it makes my love for my number 347 all the more important to me. You see things right now are rough for me. I am looking for peace and love and I find it encouraging when I see MY number during the day. Do I think of it as a coincidence? Absolutely not! I KNOW in the deepest place of my heart that it is God telling me that he is here for me, loving me, holding me! He bears my burden.
How precious is Your steadfast love, oh God! The children of men take refuge and put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. Psalm 36:7
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