7 years

Seven years doesn't sound like that long ago, but in my path of life it was eons ago. Seven years ago I welcomed a sweet, precious baby girl into my life. My third little girl, just as perfect as the other two. I had no idea how this sweet little person would become my little lifetime pal, my little babushka. She has so many special qualities that I adore. She would give everything she owns away to anybody who might need something. She is fiesty and a born leader. She is smart and serious. She has this look where she studies the things around her, observing how the world around her works. She loves God and already has a faith bigger than anything I could have imagined as a child. Have I mentioned her extremely large heart? She amazes me every single day. There are three reasons why her father and I were together and she is one of them. The other two are her sisters. I would go through all of the heartache I have experienced again and again just because they were all three worth every second of pain. With that, I want to share Coryn's birth story with you, on this seventh birthday. I wrote this shortly after she was born.

Coryn's birth story- On September 15, I started having noticably stronger more frequent contractions. If I was up moving around, they were 5 minutes apart. Well all day my neighbor hung out with me, we walked, I bounced on my yoga ball, we ordered pizza that night, and our other neighbor came over too. At around 8:00PM I told J.R. that I thought it would be a good idea to take the girls to his mothers just in case. I wasn't sure if this was really going to turn in to anything. While there I called my OB. She said it sounded early, and that she would be glad to call the hospital and have them check me. I wasn't ready to go just to be turned away so we headed home. At around 10PM the contractions got stronger. J.R. went to bed. I stayed up on my yoga ball as the contractions got worse. I went upstairs at 2:30 and in tears told J.R. that the contractions hurt a lot worse, but weren't getting closer together, but that I was ready to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital at 3:00 they monitored me for an hour, checked me(at a 3) and sent me walking. We walked for another hour. I was a bit disheartened, because I hadn't changed at all since my appt when she first checked me and I had been walking all day long. So I didn't really think that things would change in just another hour so as I climbed in bed to be checked, I started crying. I was amazed to learn that I was between a 4-5. They were keeping me . They started my IV, started my anitbiotics for my group-B and we started to breathe through the contractions. At around 6 AM I asked for one of the IV painkillers and also if we could get the anesthesiologist in to place my epi. They told me it would be an hour before I would get my epi which I was pretty grumpy about, but figured ok the IV meds will help. Well they didn't I was in so much pain by the time the guy got there. He placed the epi and unlike my first two pgs, I didn't get the immediate relief. He kept telling me to wait a few more contractions, but the pain was getting worse and I knew it wasn't going to get any better unless he redid it. So finally after another block of time he began messing with it. He injected more of the meds w/ a syringe directly into the spinal fluid. It still did nothing so for the next few hours that was how it went. I was moaning and I remember having a death grip on the bed with each contraction. I was scared to death. Neither of my other deliveries were like this. J.R. and my mom talked me through each contraction. I couldn't have done it without both of them urging me on. I got to an eight and I was yelling at anyone who would listen that the epi needed to be done again. The moving it around and adding meds wasn't doing anything for me. The doctor came back in and had me sit up to do it again. I was so scared of pushing without it. As I was sitting on the side of the bed, I felt her head. I told them all, she's coming!! I started pushing because honestly it felt good to push. They were all saying don't push and I was just ignoring them. My doctor sat down and told me to give a trial push, and then was like Whoa ok stop pushing. I couldn't stop. With the next push, Coryn Marie Buckner made her appearance at 11:35 AM, Septemeber16, 2006, weighing 6lbs even and 18.5 inches long. She was gorgeous and I did it without the epi working!! I had a small internal tear and my doctor went to stitch me up. I flew up off the bed. He had thought because I was so focused pushing that my epidural had finally taken It ended up that the guy had punctured my spinal column and I was leaking spinal fluid. I got an epidural headache and couldn't even function in the hospital. On the day that I was released I had a blood patch done in my spine(where they take blood from your arm and inject it into your spine) I then had to lay flat on my back for two more days. I was also instructed to drink as much caffeine as I could possibly tolerate. My sister, who is a nurse, came and bathed me and my mom took care of Coryn. I was miserable. But I look back at all of it now and she was so worth every little bit of pain, and it has faded with time.

Honesty. It's pretty much the foundation.

From the time we are born we crave trust. We first learn trust by being cared for by our parents, being fed, being tended to when we cry. It truly is the foundation that we are built upon. When I was a teacher one of the first things that I would tell my students was to PLEASE come to me with any questions or concerns and if you make a mistake I would respect you more if you own it rather than if you cover it up. In other words, don't lie to me. I am not writing this as a perfect person. Have I ever lied? Of course, who hasn't. I've found myself in tight spots growing up where I was dishonest because it temporarily relieved a problem. The problem with this temporary relief is that it is just that, temporary. After the immediate storm has passed, then you are left with the lie. And the lie festers inside you...at least it does in me...and takes on this life of guilt and darkness. For me, as I have matured, I have figured out that lies aren't worth the temporary relief. It's best to get to the truth as quickly as possible. I don't want to harm my foundation so I try to always be as honest as possible. And that is where I come to the point of this post. Honesty is SO important to me, that if I find out someone has lied to me, then it impairs my relationship with them. Can I forgive them? Sure, but not without some damage. It may be that I am just not as close to that person anymore OR that it takes time to build the damaged foundation back up. I have been lied to, deeply in the past, by people who I should trust the most. This has made my goal of being a truly honest person even more important. If I am your friend, you can trust me. In return for this trust, I expect people to be honest with me. This week I was saddened to hear that a friend who thought she was protecting me, has lied to me. This is someone who was by my side as I went through all my pain of being lied to, who comforted me, who preached honesty in relationships. I respected her wholeheartedly. I am cut to the core by this. I'm not even sure what to do. I'm sad. I feel like another part of my life is a lie. I don't even care about what she lied to me about. If she had just been honest with me, I could deal with that. It's not my favorite or easiest subject(infidelity), but I could have dealt with THAT so much easier than finding out that she was lying to me. Another quality that I have worked on a lot is not being judgemental about others choices in their lives. I live under the attitude that your sin is yours. You are the one that has to answer for it. God is your judge not me. I am a sinner. I know that I have to answer to my God someday as well for the sins I have committed. So why am I sharing this? Because it's festering in me. Because I'm sad for this person and myself that they didn't trust me to handle their issues. With the situation as it is, there is nothing I can do about it, but wait for her to come to me. Meanwhile I feel like our friendship is being ruined. There is no need for this type of pain to be inflicted on anyone if we are just honest with each other. It's that easy. I realize it would have been hard for her to come to me, but I also know that I would have still loved her. I would have been there for her. As it stands our friendship is on very shaky ground. :(

Not the victim!

I haven't written in quite awhile. I actually have a list of things I want to write about on my phone, but finding the actual time to write is a completely different story. This blog was very therapeutic for me through my divorce. In fact laying it all out there and then rereading it was huge in my recovery. So where am I now? I'm in flux. I'm great most of the time and then there are other times where I am completely overwhelmed. Single parenting is hard. Way harder than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm doing this whole thing sub-par. Luckily for me I have the three best kids a mom could ever hope for. And that's what keeps me going. Those three girls are my everything and bring me to the reason behind writing today. Co-parenting. It's such a positive word. It makes it sound like we are working together for the good of our children. Do we both love these three girls? I have no doubt that we do. Do we have this wonderful co-parenting thing figured out? Um negative! Today I made a phone call to the ex that ended in me hanging up and crying. I am now not only a single mom, but also a working mom. These are two new roles for me. I have a great job and a boss who is MORE than understanding. Lately it seems like I am getting calls at work every single day. This kid needs cough drops, this one has a fever, this one needs Ibuprofen. You need to come pick this one up because they have diarrhea. It's constant and it can't always be me leaving my job. But it is. Today after I dropped off the cough drops to the oldest, I called him to tell him that he needs to step up and help me. He told me he could possibly help me out but that I needed to be more organized. I tried to deflect the conversation back to the issue that illness is not lack of organization. Yes when I run up a choir t-shirt or a permission note, that is organization, but cough drops...not so much. He told me that the oldest was old enough to put some in her pocket and carry them. Actually NO she can't. I had to go to the office and write a note and get the nurse's approval. And then the conversation turned back to reading planners and keeping up on websites. He doesn't see the stacks of papers with dates, times, homework due dates, test dates, yearbook order forms, class pictures, field trip notes, dental appt reminders, doctor checkups, sick visits, trips to the pharmacy, errands to get new crayons, poster board. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. He gets none of this responsibility. He sees none of this. He never has to get kids on and off the bus. He packs two of their lunches each week, leaving me with making 13 more. I am the one that researches out of school activities and makes that happen. I guess I went on, but you get the idea. So for the person who I created these three children with and who left us on his own cognition to make it seem like I'm disorganized...that hurts. He still hurts me. Why do I let him? Because we are co-parents and some part of me, that isn't healed yet, wants to hear him say that he wants to be helpful that he knows all the things that I do and that maybe just maybe he's thankful that I'm doing it. Instead I'm made to feel like a failure. So today in my pathetic feel sorry for myself ways, I decided that I am no longer going to be that victim to him. I am not going to ever receive that thank you or even a nod that he knows what I do. That's probably one of the hardest things about single parenting. There is nobody there who loves your kids like you do, to just say. Yeah I understand what you are going through and you are doing a great job. Instead I will change my perspective. I will do these things solely because I love and adore these three girls. It's why I have always done it. I will find a plan b for all the trips to school, my mom, dad or my sister. I won't set myself up to be his victim. He's done enough damage to my heart. I KNOW that I'm doing a good job. This is where my kids want to be. This is where they feel like they can be themselves. This is their home. That will be enough of a nod for me. And just like that, today this quote came my way..... "Be the heroine of your life, not the victim." -Nora Ephron