I sat in church yesterday and was reminded how blessed I have been this past year. The sermon was all about being in the presence of God, and feeling his spirit. The speaker talked about how some people don't ever feel the spirit whereas others feel it constantly. I immediately thought about how I have actually been bathed in the spirit for vast amounts of time as I have gone through all of the emotions that come with a marriage ending. I feel blessed because I was raised in a home of faith and I am surrounded by people of faith. So when things started going South, I turned to my faith. I prayed almost constantly. And in return I felt his spirit just as constantly. I still felt the pain of my emotions, but it was less sharp and I felt less alone.
One thing that I recognize as God's part in this past year are all of the people he has brought into my life to help me heal. There is a cheesy saying about how people are brought into our lives for seasons. I have had it sent to me through email so many times, I couldn't possibly count them, BUT while the cynic in me sort of makes fun of the saying, I believe this to be true. I have watched this happen in my life over the past year. I am thankful for each and every person who played a role in my healing.
I think about the night J.R. left. I took my scared and crying children to my parents where we were all administered to by my father and brother in law. These are the people who are in my lifelong "season". I drove home in tears and was met by my friend, Cindy, who sat up with me all night long while I cried and talked.
There were the days that followed where I showed up at my Bible study and the women there sat and prayed with me. I couldn't go anywhere where I wasn't reminded that he was sending people to me to help me get through this. People that were completely unexpected. People that had been strangers that now were playing a huge role in my healing. Sent at exactly the precise time that I needed them, to help me exactly where I was right then.
As I have healed, I have stopped allowing myself to be bathed in his spirit. I have stopped waking up in the morning to my devotions and to my prayer. Life has caught up with me. I am happy and therefore my human nature has taken over and I have started controlling my own life again. I have not allowed God to be my leader or even my companion. It is starting to show in some areas of my life.
I loved being in his presence during this past year so I'm not quite sure why I allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. It requires a lot of discipline to stay grounded in your faith. This is not something I have ever been known for. It is my biggest weakness. I hope that with this reminder from yesterday, I can come back into his presence. I enjoyed it there. It is a safe and peaceful place. I am a better person for being there. I don't want to live without it.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Birthdays
Dinner and me showing off my killer blue heels:
Tony Richardson was nice enough to have us as his guests:
We had a blast with this one. Neither one of us know what was happening in this picture but we have some great captions going for it on facebook right now.
The New House
I am sort of a freak about my birthday. I'm not really sure exactly what it is about my day, but I love it. I look forward to it and celebrate not just that day but the days before it as well. Despite the year I have had, I still looked forward to this year's celebration. Once again I was not disappointed. The entire weekend was fantastic.
A year ago, Sharri came from Houston to celebrate my birthday with me. We spent that entire weekend laughing, being ridiculous, and acting like complete and total idiots. Some of our fun that weekend included the purchase of Zurich, my gnome buddy. He was a presence the entire weekend and has continued to be my sidekick in Sharri's absence. We had an ugliest outfit contest at Gordmans, we ate and drank constantly, we got to meet Dino Kartsonakis and even got him into the photo bombing that was Zurich. We had a dance party on my kitchen counter and we just visited like old friends do. It was a great weekend and really would have been hard to top. I didn't think that just one year later I would not only top it, but blow the whole thing out of the water.
It started on Friday. I am the least superstitious person you will ever meet. I've just never felt like anything bad is actually going to happen to me while I am crossing paths with a black cat while breaking a mirror on the ladder that I am walking under. I posted on my Facebook status that I was going to laugh at Friday the 13th. I challenged the day to do its worst and guess what? It was a freaking awesome day. It was the rockstar of all 13ths.
The day in list form:
* went to DMV to renew license(this is truly me challenging the day)didn't have the right documentation and so I was given a 60 day extension. Score!
* looked at a house, put a bid on that house
* had a great dinner with my parents
* spent the evening dreaming of what might be my new home
* oh yeah, my divorce was final...although I didn't actually know this until Monday
That last one is sort of a big deal. My one birthday wish was to have my divorce final before my birthday as I wanted this to truly be an entirely new year for me without him being a part of it. And even though I didn't know it at the time. I still think it is pretty great that I got my birthday wish.
My actual birthday was just as great:
* made chocolate/peanut butter chip pancakes and ate breakfast with my girls
* went to Tara's final soccer game, where they completed an undefeated season. Go Tigers!
* met my girlfriends at my house for a pre-evening drink and then off to dinner
* had a great dinner at Kona Grill
* Moved on to Tassos toga party
* Oh and my offer was accepted on my new house. Happy birthday to me.
I reflected a lot on my past year. I have had so many wonderful people come into my life. I've also had people who were a part of my life already, develop a deeper relationship with me. I discovered this year that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I am blessed beyond measure. I have the greatest family and friends And I am loved...truly loved by so many people.
I am looking forward to this coming year. I wonder if my next birthday can top this one.
Tony Richardson was nice enough to have us as his guests:
We had a blast with this one. Neither one of us know what was happening in this picture but we have some great captions going for it on facebook right now.
The New House
I am sort of a freak about my birthday. I'm not really sure exactly what it is about my day, but I love it. I look forward to it and celebrate not just that day but the days before it as well. Despite the year I have had, I still looked forward to this year's celebration. Once again I was not disappointed. The entire weekend was fantastic.
A year ago, Sharri came from Houston to celebrate my birthday with me. We spent that entire weekend laughing, being ridiculous, and acting like complete and total idiots. Some of our fun that weekend included the purchase of Zurich, my gnome buddy. He was a presence the entire weekend and has continued to be my sidekick in Sharri's absence. We had an ugliest outfit contest at Gordmans, we ate and drank constantly, we got to meet Dino Kartsonakis and even got him into the photo bombing that was Zurich. We had a dance party on my kitchen counter and we just visited like old friends do. It was a great weekend and really would have been hard to top. I didn't think that just one year later I would not only top it, but blow the whole thing out of the water.
It started on Friday. I am the least superstitious person you will ever meet. I've just never felt like anything bad is actually going to happen to me while I am crossing paths with a black cat while breaking a mirror on the ladder that I am walking under. I posted on my Facebook status that I was going to laugh at Friday the 13th. I challenged the day to do its worst and guess what? It was a freaking awesome day. It was the rockstar of all 13ths.
The day in list form:
* went to DMV to renew license(this is truly me challenging the day)didn't have the right documentation and so I was given a 60 day extension. Score!
* looked at a house, put a bid on that house
* had a great dinner with my parents
* spent the evening dreaming of what might be my new home
* oh yeah, my divorce was final...although I didn't actually know this until Monday
That last one is sort of a big deal. My one birthday wish was to have my divorce final before my birthday as I wanted this to truly be an entirely new year for me without him being a part of it. And even though I didn't know it at the time. I still think it is pretty great that I got my birthday wish.
My actual birthday was just as great:
* made chocolate/peanut butter chip pancakes and ate breakfast with my girls
* went to Tara's final soccer game, where they completed an undefeated season. Go Tigers!
* met my girlfriends at my house for a pre-evening drink and then off to dinner
* had a great dinner at Kona Grill
* Moved on to Tassos toga party
* Oh and my offer was accepted on my new house. Happy birthday to me.
I reflected a lot on my past year. I have had so many wonderful people come into my life. I've also had people who were a part of my life already, develop a deeper relationship with me. I discovered this year that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I am blessed beyond measure. I have the greatest family and friends And I am loved...truly loved by so many people.
I am looking forward to this coming year. I wonder if my next birthday can top this one.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Stop!
STOP!!!! Something I want to yell at him often!!! He still sets me off. Stop touching me. Stop making yourself so at home in the house you left. Stop complimenting me. Stop smiling at me. Stop the joking. I do not want to be your friend right now. I do not want to pretend that what you did was OK. I definitely don't want you to ever feel like you have the right to touch me, even in passing. You lost all of these rights. You are not my husband, my partner or even my friend. Just stop.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Divorce
Just when we seem to be moving along and healing, we are brought back to our reality. For each of us, it comes at different times which is probably better. If all four of us were to sink into the pit at the same time, who would be there to save they day. To lend an ear, a hug, or to confirm that yes indeed this sucks.
Unfortunately over the last 24 hours, all three of my girls have struggled. And it has been in ways I haven't seen since December or January.
For E all of the changes are coming at her too quickly. She has never liked change and so the idea of moving scares the crap out of her. It doesn't matter that she isn't changing schools. It does matter that the last place we all lived together will no longer be her home. She is struggling with me moving on as well. I think she is seeing that I am over him and realizes that this truly means that it is over and life IS going to be different.
For T, it's anger directed at all of us. She can't say what's on her mind so instead she blows up at the slightest thing. We had this conversation tonight.
T: mom do lots of people get divorced?
Me: unfortunately, yes.
T: like one a day?
Me: more than one a day. :(
T: that's terrible. It should be like one a year.
Me: I too wish it was more like that.
So between fits of anger and then thoughtful conversations such as this one, I can tell that she is concerned about our future.
C wants to pray. She loves to pray and is always an eager volunteer when a prayer is needed. Tonight she asked me to pray. As I prayed she started sobbing. I asked her what was wrong and she replied that it was Daddy leaving. And why did he leave? That's a hard question to answer on a four year old level. I can't say "he left because he was a coward, because he wasn't happy, because there was someone else". So instead I just hold my sad girl and tell her that we both love her and that she will get to see her Daddy tomorrow. It appeases her but I know she is confused.
Luckily I was in a place where I could handle all three of my daughters and their respective meltdowns. It is a painful reminder that we are not through the fire. That we are still fighting and healing and fighting some more. And it is also a reminder to me to not get too comfortable with my new situation. In the words of a wise friend, "just because you are in a good place now, does not mean that they are." This was shown to me pretty deeply today and last night. I will continue to dialogue with them, keep them talking and hopefully healing.
Unfortunately over the last 24 hours, all three of my girls have struggled. And it has been in ways I haven't seen since December or January.
For E all of the changes are coming at her too quickly. She has never liked change and so the idea of moving scares the crap out of her. It doesn't matter that she isn't changing schools. It does matter that the last place we all lived together will no longer be her home. She is struggling with me moving on as well. I think she is seeing that I am over him and realizes that this truly means that it is over and life IS going to be different.
For T, it's anger directed at all of us. She can't say what's on her mind so instead she blows up at the slightest thing. We had this conversation tonight.
T: mom do lots of people get divorced?
Me: unfortunately, yes.
T: like one a day?
Me: more than one a day. :(
T: that's terrible. It should be like one a year.
Me: I too wish it was more like that.
So between fits of anger and then thoughtful conversations such as this one, I can tell that she is concerned about our future.
C wants to pray. She loves to pray and is always an eager volunteer when a prayer is needed. Tonight she asked me to pray. As I prayed she started sobbing. I asked her what was wrong and she replied that it was Daddy leaving. And why did he leave? That's a hard question to answer on a four year old level. I can't say "he left because he was a coward, because he wasn't happy, because there was someone else". So instead I just hold my sad girl and tell her that we both love her and that she will get to see her Daddy tomorrow. It appeases her but I know she is confused.
Luckily I was in a place where I could handle all three of my daughters and their respective meltdowns. It is a painful reminder that we are not through the fire. That we are still fighting and healing and fighting some more. And it is also a reminder to me to not get too comfortable with my new situation. In the words of a wise friend, "just because you are in a good place now, does not mean that they are." This was shown to me pretty deeply today and last night. I will continue to dialogue with them, keep them talking and hopefully healing.
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