Day 18

Wow yesterday was a tough day. I had a fever along with a miserable cold AND it was a snow day. I did however allow myself to rest when I needed, which was every time the Ibuprofren wore off. So as simple as that is, that is how I took care of myself.

Boredom

I remember during the summer, seeing several status updates on Facebook where people were complaining about being bored. It made me angry. I felt like I was drowning and what I wouldn't give to be bored. I wondered at the time how it would feel to wake up from my nightmare and feel at ease, bored, etc? I couldn't even fathom that I would ever feel that way again. I couldn't see the future and all I felt was hopeless and scared and so very alone. So I vowed I would never use the word bored to complain again. Boredom is a luxury. It's not a pain. It's not somewhere terrible to be. Terrible is finding out your child is sick with a disease. Terrible is not having a home or food. Terrible is defending your country and never coming home again. Terrible is watching your family be torn apart! Those are things that I wouldn't blame someone for complaining about, but boredom?!? I don't want to hear whining when you can't find something to do. In fact if you are bored, you should celebrate it. Because that probably means you have a pretty decent life.

Yesterday for the first time in 7 months, I realized that I was once again feeling bored. I just smiled, because the healing is here and doing it's thing :) Thank you for being bored!

Day 16 and 17

Day 16- Was a completely lazy day. I don't get many of those so I took every last ounce of it. Two baths, books, t.v. and cuddles with my girls.

Day 17- I bought a new coat! It's a nice black wool one with an Audrey Hepburn sort of style. I figured since my girlfriend, C, gave me the whole "new coat" analogy, I would literally buy one to celebrate my new life. And to quote Katy Perry "Baby you're a firework" and "after the hurricane, comes the rainbow"! Both of these things feel very true to me.

Day 14 and 15

Friday was day 14. Two weeks since I started this "project". It was a rough day. My two older daughters are struggling emotionally and it is showing up in physical ailments. They both got sent home from school with upset stomachs. My kids who have never had attendance issues do now. They just want to be home here with me in our little cocoon. I don't blame them. I often just want to hide as well. As soon as they got home it was fairly apparent that they weren't sick. They were fighting like cats and dogs. So I called their father and told him he could have them that night. So far he has only had them one night at a time. I have never let him have back to backs. So this was big. I needed a mommy break and he wanted this time with them, so it was win-win. I took a bath, read a book and went to sleep all by myself in my big bed AND I actually slept. I think this is progress.

Saturday Day 15
I met an old friend for lunch. She divorced in 2008. She and I talked for a long time and I think we are going to be good for each other. In fact I know we are. She also doesn't have her son on Wednesday nights so I think we will meet a few nights. I am so lucky to have this continued support. We had some mutual nurturing going on.

Hair and other wonderful things Day 13

I hadn't gotten my hair done since early September, before he left. Part of the reason was my hairdresser happens to be a very good family friend. In fact her daughter was our flower girl in our wedding. I dreaded going in there, not because I didn't want to see her, but because I knew I was going to be emotional. I knew she "knew" what was going on. She had sent me a message telling me I was in her prayers, but messaging and seeing are two totally different things.

So yesterday was my appointment. I sat in the waiting area which is closed off from the salon. I decided to check my email on my phone while waiting. I received the most beautiful email from my brother in law(I have left out actual names to protect the innocent):

H,
One of the things that I have been thinking about from D’s prayer the other night, was the thought of you being in a place, at times, in darkness and despair but that God is light and that God’s light is where you want to be, as we all do. I’m not going to pretend that it is always possible to be in the light because of our human nature to respond to things that are thrown on our plates that take us down. When our Spirits, Faith, Trust in our lives are in the right place, God’s light is always in place for us to walk in to.

As I was sharing with D the other night, I made mention of this portion of his prayer. The thought that ran through my mind is the analogy of a lighthouse. The light is obviously God, but as the light circles and leaves us a bit (even though we are not completely shut out because we can still follow it), circumstances cause us to stumble but we know that if we stand firm on our Faith and be patient, we will soon be in the full light again because we know it is coming around again.

S(my nephew) is a very sensitive kid. C(my sister) and I were talking with him the other night and he was very emotional about the issue with your family. It occurred to me that his emotional state is only a very small fraction of what your girls are experiencing and feeling. My (our) support is with you fully as you provide “the rock” for your girls. You have our pledge to provide any kind of additional stability to you and your family.

H, you are in a very good place Spiritually. I know you will come out of this as a changed person and will be a “Rock” for your children and many others. Never lose sight of the “Light” as there is no better place to be.

Have a great day!

Probably NOT the best time to read those loving words. I was sitting in the waiting area sobbing. The receptionist tried to ignore me while I tried to bury myself in my purse, trying to look like there was something very important for me to do in that black bag. I collected myself just in time to have L(my hairdresser) walk around the corner with "the eyes". The eyes that I get all the time when I go through this process. They are compassionate, sorrowful, what can I do, eyes. We hugged and the sobs came back. She says she is not a therapist, but yesterday she was. She lovingly held me, talked to me, looked me in the eye, and cared for me. Oh and she did my hair and eyebrows. She nurtured me.

So in that hour that I spent with her, in the salon, God touched me twice. Once with an eloquent letter from my brother in law and again with a friend who truly cares about and loves me. These are the sort of things that tell me that He is there providing me with loving people and hands to take care of me. I will be ok. Thank you God for providing me with everything I need to weather this storm.

Day 12 Laughter

Laughter is truly the best medicine. I am so thankful for my friend Cindy. She took me to dinner tonight and we laughed the entire time. It's never dull when the two of us get together. She lifted me up just how I needed. We are truly cut from the same cloth and people should be scared. Very scared!

Day 11- I'm busy getting stronger

Yesterday was a rough day. I try to keep my chin up and remain peaceful and positive, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes I just want to cry, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to face the reality of my life. So this was the first day that I really had trouble nurturing myself. Add on to that fact that I dream about him almost every night, it makes for an emotional me.

So yesterday I tried to be nurturing to myself. I did my devotions, took a bath, had a visit with a friend and yet I was still sort of in a funk. As I reflected on the ways I tried to nurture me I realized that although I felt down, the effort is something. I am going to have bad days. I am going to be sad and down. This is grieving. So yesterday I nurtured by allowing myself to feel those things. And when those days come again(which I am quite sure they will), I will give the effort, but also be accepting about the emotions.

A friend shared this song with me and it is fitting for where I am right now:

Day 10

I am starting to really enjoy this nurturing project.

Day 10 was a snow day for my girls. I love having them around even if they are arguing and only have one volume. They still bring me peace. We watched movies, sat by the fire, and read. We ended the night at our neighbors for a yummy dinner and good company.

Day 9

Tonight I am going to do a run down of the ways I was blessed and nurtured today.

It started with church this morning. I was blessed with the presence of so many wonderful people who went out of their way to greet me with hugs, smiles and of course love. One of these people brought me a devotional today(I'm becoming a collector of sorts ;)) Her husband had reached out to me last week. A sort of gruff and no nonsense man who approached me with tears in his eyes, and told me how loved I was and this week they gave me this gift. A gift that was given to them by their son and daughter in law. The book is called "Jesus Calling" by Sara Young.

After I got home from church I got a message from my favorite NC friend, who had been thinking of me after her sermon this morning. Her message hit home with me. Once again touched by words at the appropriate time. C- I am going to buy a "new" quilt. I need to part ways with my old one. I love you too!

Mid-afternoon- We got to meet a sweet sweet puppy with one blue eye and one brown eye. I held her and kissed her. Her name is Faith. How appropriate for man's best friend.

And tonight while surrounded by my family and three of the best girlfriends I could ask for, I was blessed by an evangelist from our church. I was told over and over again during this blessing that I am not alone. He is with me and he loves me. He wants me to delve deeper into the gospels and to use them as my life-guide. He wants me to use my skills and talents to do his work, to glorify him! Words I have spoken and a message that I am open to and willing to do.

I will end this night by being surrounded by three of the most beautiful blessings God could have given me. Each one of them is so very special. I know that not everyone has the opportunity to be a mother. I know that itself is a blessing. I take this job very seriously. I want my girls to grow up in a home full of love and faith. I may not be able to give them the "perfect" family, but they will know love, and joy and God!

Days 7 & 8

Day 7- I received my daily "Join the Journey" devotional in the morning and was inspired by the bio of the woman who shared the daily message. Here it is:
There is a fortune cookie message on my car's sun visor that reads, “Your current plans are going to succeed.” I keep it because I opened that cookie three years ago on the day I decided I would never plan again. I wanted to allow God complete freedom to use my life however He wanted. Since then, God has taken me on many wild adventures, moving me from New Mexico to Dallas and changing my career path twice. I’m always free-falling right into the center of God’s plan. I know the fortune cookie message is true—since my plans are His plans, how can they not succeed?
I was reminded all day long that my life is his to use however he sees fit. I was also reminded today that I am his child and he loves me and hurts for me over my situation. At the same time I was reminded that he also loves my husband in this exact same way and he hurts so much for him right now. All day long these things were on my heart. They were on my heart because he placed them there. God is good!

Day 8- I had the opportunity to spend this evening with my father who turned 63. I made him dinner and his favorite pineapple upside down cake for dessert. As I was celebrating his life surrounded by my own family, a good friend and cousin on my husband's side of the family was saying goodbye to her mother. She was going home to meet her heavenly father. I was not sad for my friend, because I had spoken to her in the morning and she is of such extraordinary faith that she was excited for her mother. She was going to be reunited with her maker and also with her husband who went home over 11 years ago. I had another conversation with another faithful friend and told her how so many people I love have had difficult times over the last few months. I see them hurting and yet I don't feel overwhelmed by their hurt and suffering because I know that God is carrying them just as he has carried me throughout my own pain. Yes he is good!

Days 5 & 6

Day 5- Yesterday I had the opportunity to help a friend who has been there for me unconditionally. I found myself finding comfort in comforting. I spent several hours with her and her family and although my heart aches for her, I truly know how strong she is and am glad to have her in my life. This is what friendship is. Unconditional love and comfort. I was nurtured through nurturing. How wonderful is that?

Day 6- Today I woke up to an empty house. My kids were with their dad. The few times so far that this has happened have been very difficult for me, but this morning I came downstairs and I had almost an entire hour with God. I read my Bible lesson, prayed and read some more. It was quiet and peaceful and the time flew by. I am learning to enjoy my times of peace.

Day 4

I have been surrounded this entire time of trial by amazing women! Amazing doesn't really even begin to describe them, but that at least gives you a clue as to how blessed I have been to be associated with such powerfully spiritual people.

Yesterday my nurturing took place at my weekly Bible study. We are doing The Truth Project, which in itself is a once a week nurturing for my soul, and I am quite sure will appear here once again. The nurturing had nothing to do with our current study though. One of the lady's Mother in laws was visiting from Florida. I was introduced and then headed downstairs to watch this week's video. MIL joined us. I shared the story of my Christmas prayers being answered. You see over Christmas I changed the prayers I had been praying. I prayed specifically for God to take away my romantic love for my husband. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. The heartbreak was killing me. I pleaded with him to once again carry my burden and in all of his grace, he did exactly that. He took my broken heart and began healing it. By the time we arrived home and I saw my husband, I realized I no longer had the want and desire to be loved, touched, etc by him. He answered my prayer just like that. I still love him as a Christian and also as the father of my children, but not in that romantic way. Blessed once again!

So back to yesterday....I shared this testimony with my group. As I was leaving the MIL pulled me into her and looked me deep in my eyes and told me that she would be praying for me, that she had been in my shoes once, had prayed the same prayer and had been granted the peace that I was given. She shared with me how that peace remained with her until her ex passed away. They remained friends with a good relationship for their son(my friend's husband). She always was worried about his salvation and just before he died, she had a 2 hour visit with him and when she left, God placed on her heart that this man was going to heaven. I have been so worried about my husband and his soul lately. I see the dark place and spiritual warfare taking over him physically and emotionally. She didn't know that was something I had been worrying about. I mean she didn't even really know me before that hour that we spent watching a video together. It was God once again speaking to me through one of his earthly angels. He is good and faithful and ever present!

So sometimes my nurturing is not by my own hand but given to me as it was on this day. Thank you God...You are absolutely amazing(see my disclaimer in the first paragraph ;))

Day 3 of Nurturing

I feel like I need to clarify myself a little bit as I don't want this nurturing assignment to come off as sounding selfish. My wish/desire/hope is that this journey will ultimately bring me and my girls closer to our God. I try to do everything these days to proclaim his glory and this is another way I can grow as his child.

With that said:

Day 3 was spent in my car listening to this song on repeat:


My favorite line??? "ALL MY FEAR IS TURNING INTO FAITH" AMEN!

365 days of nurturing

Alan Wright of www.sharingthelightministries.com is one of my favorite people to read. He has amazing insight into God and his power and grace. I was first introduced to him through a group of women that I was doing an intense bootcamp with. We would workout until we couldn't move, then we would all congregate at my house where we would eat and worship together. We studied his book Shame Off You which is a lifechanging read.

For New Years he sent an email about how in their congregation they do not set resolutions, but instead they speak blessings over one another. What an amazing concept! Just imagine being in a room full of people who love you, telling you what they wish for you in the New Year. He included this text from Ephesians:

Ephesians 3:20-21:

Beloved, in Jesus Christ, you're blessed beyond what your mind can now conceive. In that sense, you are blessed beyond belief! God is at work in you and through you and for you in ways that are exceedingly, abundantly above all you can currently ask or think.

Even when you don't understand how, you're being blessed in secret ways that only God could engineer. God's plans for you are better than what you could plan for yourself. It's a season for you to rest and delight in the goodness of God.

So with that said, I have decided to speak this blessing among all of my friends and family: May you find one way, each day, to nurture yourself in 2011. Rediscover who you are, and most importantly recognize your master who created you so wonderfully for his craftsmanship in you.

I am going to blog each day this coming year(hopefully) about one way I have nurtured myself. I challenge you to journal or blog or do whatever you do to keep track of how you are nurturing yourself.

I am a couple of days behind, so I'll will play catch up now.

January 1st- I had dinner with an amazing group of Christian women. Two of us are healing from marriages ending, the other four have had marriage struggles and have come out stronger on the other side. We prayed, ate, cried and laughed. We talked about our faith and our futures. Amazing doesn't describe how awesome it was. I was completely nurtured.

January 2nd- I had some one on one time with my oldest daughter. We watched a movie and took a nap together :) I also was nurtured by my church family as they lined up to hug me and offer their support and share their personal stories of pain and marriage failure. One after another I was greeted with the love that can only be given through a church family. I cried from the overwhelming emotion of love I felt. I am truly a blessed woman!