Thanks A lot

That is not sarcasm or a Girl Scout cookie. That is my heartfelt sentiment this evening. This morning I woke up in my house, got out of my big comfy bed, went to my kitchen, where I made a big pot of hot coffee, I then sat in my living room and read from my favorite devotional. A book that was given to me by a wonderful couple who have been a part of my life since I was a child. The devotional is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning's message was appropriate for the week we are celebrating. It was talking about a thankful attitude and how it opens the windows of heaven where we are given glimpses of eternity. I envisioned this in two ways. The first was a beautiful Colonial on top of a bright hill, the windows open, revealing soft cotton curtains blowing out. The view inside was obscurred because of the light outside of the house, but it was such a welcoming scene that I imagined wanting to be in that house and seeing what happens inside such a splendid home. The second image was that of a home at night. This time I was able to peer in the windows because the house was lit up. In each room, there was warmth and a feeling of family. The light inside was welcoming as with the light on the outside of the first home. I want to be in both of these homes. I love the glimpses I get right now of heaven. They are exactly as I have described these two scenes. It is amazing that I cannot humanly comprehend what heaven will be like. I think about that. I think about some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and I know they are but a speck of what the true beauty of heaven will offer me.

I am thankful that I have been blessed with the knowledge of heaven. That I have been given the opportunity to express my faith. I imagine how differently this past year would have been without my Heavenly Father holding me. Without him to cry to in sadness and pain. Without him looking out for me and my girls. How sad it is for people who don't have my God in their lives to help them through the rough patches. I want everyone to have him and know him.

I sat there this morning surrounded and aware of all of the many blessings that I have to be thankful for. It has been a rough road on my way to that house, but with each hiccup along the way, God has created so many more things to be thankful for. Is my life what I planned it to be? No, but it is exactly what God planned it to be. And for that I am truly thankful.

Therapy...Revisited

And the joke is on me. Wow, I had fooled everyone around me and most importantly myself into thinking that my life was just fine. I truly believed it. After my divorce was final I sort of coasted into this fun lifestyle of hanging out with my friends when I didn't have my kids and being a mom when they were here. I handled a move, a couple of vacations, homework, piano, and soccer. I did it all with a smile on my face and sarcasm on my tongue. If my ex was brought up, my inner class clown could come out faster than you could blink. Survival. That was what I was doing. And I tried to look fashionable doing it.

Where did that get me? Well I'll tell you where. Remember my last post? I feel the need for a retraction of a few sentences. Mainly the ones dealing with me being fine. The rest of it still holds true.

My kiddos came home Monday night and reality hit me in the face. They were a mess. I can't even imagine how they had held all of that in, but they did and boy did they let loose. Feelings just started exploding in me rapidly. By Tuesday night I was becoming a mess and there were some other personal things that added to that, but the central issue was that I had not really healed and that wedding bothered me a ton more than I could have imagined. Wednesday I broke. It happened rapidly. I felt enraged. I wanted to explode there was so much emotion and pressure in my chest. I couldn't eat, concentrate or even have a real conversation. By this morning it was worse. I would say it was worse than when he moved out. So bad! I dropped Coryn off at pre-school sobbing(awesome), started my drive downtown, made it halfway and then called my old therapist. He got me in immediately. In fact he came in early just to meet with me.

So here I am again sitting in Dr. Steve's office and this time I'm pissed off. I believe one of the first things I told him was that I felt like he was living his dream life and I was stuck carrying around a bag of shit. That's how I feel. I didn't choose any of this and while I know I have my health and I have my beautiful girls and I have the most amazing group of friends who rally around me in love and prayer, there is still this bag of shit that just sticks with me. He put it in my life and I can't put it down. He responded that I needed to do a little activity. He handed me a bat and then showed me to a dummy/punching bag thing and told me to hit it with my anger. I felt silly at first but then I started feeling it. I was yelling and hitting. I started sobbing uncontrollably and landed in a heap on the floor. When I stopped crying I truly felt relief. I need to do that three times a day. We talked a lot but what I realized is that I still have a long way to go and therapy is going to be a reality for me. So here I am again doing my post-therapeutic graduate work in rebuilding my life from the ground up. I go back Monday.

The final nail

Yesterday my ex-husband got remarried. It's such a strange feeling to know that your ex is married now to someone else. This is the person that I gave 20 years of my life to. I think other people had more emotional problems with the wedding than I did. I had some moments leading up to it but on the actual day yesterday, the only sadness that I felt was for those three girls that we created together. They were standing there watching their dad marry the woman who he had left our family for. It was gut-wrenching to think about. I am not a product of our divorce nation. I do not know how it feels to be a child who has to make their way in the muddy after effects of a choice that an adult who should never let you down makes. I received text messages from Ella that tore me apart. She wanted to come home. She outright said she wasn't happy about it. As a mother my instinct was to hop on the next flight and go be with my children and their delicate souls and minds. But this is something I have had to grow through. I don't have control or a say in everything that goes on in their lives. I can't protect them from this painful reality. I can't protect them from something that NEVER should have happened to begin with. It saddens me to see not only my children but so many kids that are in this position of having to make sense of a life of betrayal and bad choices.

My hope for my children is that they can see past the betrayal and accept love as they go forward without fear of rejection or of having their hearts torn out. It is something that I struggle with myself, but I can handle it. I'm an adult. I want them to know that all men do not leave, all men do not cheat, all men are not weak and cowardly. Some men stand up in the midst of a valley in their marriage and pray for God to come into the marriage and heal and protect. That is what I pray for these three girls, that they find those kind of men.