Funk

That is the only way to describe the mood I have been in for over a week now. I have moments where I come out of this dark pit but then I wake up in the morning and realize it's another day just like the one before it. Nothing has changed. I'm still in the same situation that is no closer to being resolved. I get angry that the person who wanted this divorce is now the one who is doing none of the work for it. It's the least he could do. He put me here. So man up and take some action.

I'm absent emotionally from a lot of things right now. It's just easier to disconnect than to stop and really feel. It's easier to crawl in bed and sleep. It's easier to avoid talking to people and it's much easier to pretend than to really share my pain. How is it that I come back to this place, just when I think I've triumphed over it? I try to look at it on a timeline. The gaps are getting longer. I spend less time here.

So it's one of those times that I am reflecting on what went wrong, reflecting on the people who have and are still loving me through this, and once again allowing myself to be in a funk. I'm giving myself one more day and then I'm going to pull myself back up and put my game face on. And hopefully it will be some time before I revisit this side of me again.

Computer geek = BFFs

I remember my first computer well. It would have been around 1985/86 and my dad came home with a box that had an apple on it. An Apple IIC! Remember that one? It had the graphics of the Atari and compared to today's standards in computers, it was just a fancy calculator/typewriter.

Flash Forward about 10 years and I am now married with another box, another new computer and.....drumroll please....internet! Yes it was 1996 and I, Heather, met the internet. It was still archaic to today's standards. It was dial up. I remember listening to the dial tone and the swooshy swoosh sound while my computer tried to connect, and hit or miss, trying to find a connection to the world wide web.

Flash forward another few years. It is the year 2000. I have left my teaching job for a much more important job. I became a mother in July 1999. I was staying home and was trying my hardest to be the perfect stay at home Mommy I could be. And here is where my life took a twist. I joined an online Mom's group at Baby Center. I had no idea at the time that these women who I was comparing poop, puke, sleep and post baby body horror stories with would become like family to me. The first mom I ever met from online was Kristi. I invited her to my house with her 6 month old baby. Ah the horror. Both of our families thought that we were completely insane and that we would both surely be killed and our babies taken from us to never be seen again. My mom and dad actually came over and camped out to meet her with me LOL! As time passed I met other moms. I traveled to Dallas with Kristi to a meetup of around 10 moms from our group and our 4 year olds. I also planned and executed an unforgettable ladies Colorado trip for eight of us. I have traveled to New Mexico, South Carolina, Dallas, St. Louis, Vegas, Tennessee and I am sure someplace I am forgetting. I became so close to a small group of these women. There is Krist, who lives about 10 minutes from me, There is Sharri who I will never forget a Mommy gift exchange that she and I had from our mommy board and a certain x-ray machine that she had to go through in order to send it ;). She and and I have shared some crazy times. She spent my last birthday here with me. She was my birthday present. Probably the last nice/heartfelt thing that "he" did for me. There is Heather who is my twin. We were separated at birth I am pretty sure. She has all the crazy in her that I have as well. Her husband booked her a flight out here last fall to visit me right after my ex left. She did this right in the middle of the busiest time in her life as she was opening a new business(her Cupcakery...Cupcrazed). There is Carly who I slept with the first night I met her ;) And spent a great weekend at her house for her annual crawfish boil a few years ago. I have a chipped tooth as a permanent memory of that weekend.

And then in 2005 I joined another Mom's group because I was expecting my third baby and it had been 5 years since I had done this pregnancy thing. And I found another loving family in the Sapphire Sweeties; The September 2006 baby group. I bonded with these women over our little Virgos. And once again I started to meet the Sweeties on trips around the country. The first one I met was Kelly. I was in San Diego and I had C with me. She was around 5 months old. We met them at this gorgeous Italian restaurant right on the coast(it was where Kelly and her dh(computer speak for dear hubby or damn hubby depending on what story is being told)had their wedding reception). We sat and talked with our babies in our arms and instantly connected. Since that time Kelly and I have seen each other in Vegas and also in Santa Barbara. The next Sweetie I met was Kirsta. She lives in Colorado, a state near and dear to my heart. I have seen Kirsta the most out of all the sweeties. Someday I hope for my C and her B to marry and we are going to live next door to each other in our perfect little lives ;). The list goes on, Marje and Susan came to my house on Memorial Day weekend 2008. Christy met me in Charlotte on one of my visits there and then came here this past fall to hold me and take care of me while my heart was breaking. There is Steph who I feel like connected with me instantly when I met her as well in Santa Barbara and we hung out on the beach. There is Lori who with her little L and E, met Kirsta and I at a park in Boulder to eat and play. This Sweetie list doesn't include the mommies that I haven't met, but want to and will meet as life moves on.

I can honestly say that my best friends are from online. I have great friends in real life as well, some who I would also label best friends. But how lucky am I to have been given this gift of online friendship and support. I know people think I am crazy when I tell them how I know so many people from all around the country. Let them think I am crazy. They will never be able to go to any airport in the country and KNOW that they have a friend in that city if by chance something happened and they needed a place to crash for the night. I can say that. Because while I listed a few of the amazing people here who I have had the honor of meeting, there are many many more that would take me in, in a heartbeat.

So today to all of my friends out there, in all your varied time zones, I dedicate this song to you:

It's not about me

As I have crawled out from under my rock and started blinking into the light, I have realized how absolutely self absorbed I have been. Not in a me me me sort of way. Just in the survival mode sort of way. There for awhile I had nothing else to give. Anything I DID have to give was for my three girls. And that was it. We ate out way too much, didn't take care of appointments like we should have, didn't get haircuts, didn't go to church, didn't socialize, didn't clean our house like it should have been and I could go on like this. We survived. I survived. We closed into ourselves and protected our hearts like never before. But now, now I see the sun. I think they see the sun. And a lot of what I see makes me so sad. So many people that I love and so many people that I don't even know are in pain. I have friends fighting for their literal lives. I have other friends drowning in their marriages, friends whose children have struggles and those who have lost very special people in their lives. I have a grandmother who is the oldest of seven girls, who is watching her sisters slowly fade out from this world and it makes my heart hurt for her. I have a cousin whose baby has severe delays and so far it seems there is nothing they can do for him. I have a friend who is fighting colon cancer like a freaking rock star. I watch the news about Japan and see all of the people who have no family anymore. I can't even wrap my brain around that. Entire families just gone.

Here's the light at the end of this depressing tunnel though. And there is light. It is our heavenly father. I know this because he was there with me during my moments of despair. He laid next to me on my living room floor as I cried my eyes out the night my husband left. He brought amazing people into my life that I never would have even imagined and each one left their mark on me forever. He is still bringing people into my life. And I know it is him. I have felt him and know that although he doesn't promise us that this worldly life will be easy, he does promise to walk by our sides and carry us when we need to be carried. He will bless us through our pain. And so now my prayers change. I can stop focusing so much on my own life and problems and now I can concentrate my faith on praying for those people around me who need to feel his embrace.

Do not fear, for I am with you...for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Soundtrack of my life

Mid-summer 2010 to End of the year:
Slow Fade- Casting Crowns
Burn in Me- The Glorious Unseen
Lead Me- Sanctus Real
Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North
While I'm Waiting- John Waller
Hurt- Johnny Cash
I'm Not Who I Was- Brandon Heath
Theme From the Diving Bell and the Butterfly- Paul Cantelon
What About Now- Daughtry
Your Hand in Mine- Explosions in the Sky
Because of You- Reba and Kelli Pickler
Brighter Days- Leeland
Come Back to Me- David Cook
Dancing in the Minefields- Andrew Peterson
Remember When- Alan Jackson
Held- Natalie Grant*****This song absolutely SAVED ME!
Autumn Leaves- Paolo Nutini
Change Your Mind- The Killers
My Own Little World- Matthew West
What Makes You Stay- Deana Carter

And I finally started cresting the hill of hell in January...The soudtrack from then until now:
Just A Dream- Nelly
Chains of Love- The Dirtbombs
I Gave You All- Mumford and Sons
A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
Last Friday Night- Katy Perry*** the theme to many a good night
Fix You- Coldplay*** For Kelly :)
Not Like the Movies- Katy Perry
Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons
You're So Vain- Carly Simon
Smile- Uncle Kracker
Fuckin Perfect- Pink*** For my Cindy
My Dick- Mickey Avalon*** Pure comic relief
Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
This Afternoon- Nickelback
Who'd Have Known- Lily Allen
Fooling Myself- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
For My Own Good- The Damnwells
Growing Up Beside You- Paolo Nutini
Just Breathe- Pearl Jam
Just Tonight- The Pretty Reckless
Let Go- Frou Frou
Lose Some Time- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
Never Say Never- The Fray
The Perfect Space- The Avett Brothers
Rainy Monday- Shiny Toy Guns
Read My Mind- The Killers
Roll Away Your Stone- Mumford and Sons *** Thanks Nick
Sell the Lie- The Damnwells

Music

I adore good music. I love to discover new bands and if I find a song I truly click with, I have been known to play it on repeat obsessively. So I knew things were bad this past year when the music I loved became way too painful to listen to. Every song I heard reminded me of the pain I was in. The only station I could listen to was KLOVE as it kept me focused on my faith and not the situation that I was in. Over the past 2 months I have finally come out of my shell and I am back to listening to music; all kinds of music. The best part about it now is that none of the songs remind me of him. They have started taking on new associations about new experiences that I am having. I have said to friends that I need to write down my soundtrack of my life over the last year as it really tells the story of where I have been. So today I am going to start doing just that. I will post it here when it is complete.

So it goes

My follow through kinda of, sort of, does suck. I truly wanted to do the year of nurturing and while I haven't stopped nurturing myself, life distracted me from blogging about it.

Each day, each turn it gets a little bit easier. I find more and more, that the things I miss about having my ex here are random to say the least. I miss his t-shirts, I miss the flashlight he always kept under his sink, I miss his shoe shine kit. What I don't miss is him. I finally turned that corner. Now when I see him there is no longing, there is really just a lack of feeling altogether. Sometimes I still get angry, but it is because of the kids. They are still reeling a lot of the time. So I see that, I see him neglecting conversations that need to be happening between him and them and I get upset.

Sometimes at night I get lonely, but it's not for him anymore, it's for a body against me. It's for that security that you feel laying in someone's arms, just the two of you. But other than that, I am doing pretty good. I am living my life, trying things I never have before and truly truly enjoying myself. I sometimes almost feel a little guilty for the enjoyment I am getting out of my life. But not too much.

So while I have been away, I have been healing. I have been taking in life and realizing that while it didn't stop while I was in the depths of hell, life was still here when I was ready to climb out. For that I am grateful.