Not the victim!

I haven't written in quite awhile. I actually have a list of things I want to write about on my phone, but finding the actual time to write is a completely different story. This blog was very therapeutic for me through my divorce. In fact laying it all out there and then rereading it was huge in my recovery. So where am I now? I'm in flux. I'm great most of the time and then there are other times where I am completely overwhelmed. Single parenting is hard. Way harder than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm doing this whole thing sub-par. Luckily for me I have the three best kids a mom could ever hope for. And that's what keeps me going. Those three girls are my everything and bring me to the reason behind writing today. Co-parenting. It's such a positive word. It makes it sound like we are working together for the good of our children. Do we both love these three girls? I have no doubt that we do. Do we have this wonderful co-parenting thing figured out? Um negative! Today I made a phone call to the ex that ended in me hanging up and crying. I am now not only a single mom, but also a working mom. These are two new roles for me. I have a great job and a boss who is MORE than understanding. Lately it seems like I am getting calls at work every single day. This kid needs cough drops, this one has a fever, this one needs Ibuprofen. You need to come pick this one up because they have diarrhea. It's constant and it can't always be me leaving my job. But it is. Today after I dropped off the cough drops to the oldest, I called him to tell him that he needs to step up and help me. He told me he could possibly help me out but that I needed to be more organized. I tried to deflect the conversation back to the issue that illness is not lack of organization. Yes when I run up a choir t-shirt or a permission note, that is organization, but cough drops...not so much. He told me that the oldest was old enough to put some in her pocket and carry them. Actually NO she can't. I had to go to the office and write a note and get the nurse's approval. And then the conversation turned back to reading planners and keeping up on websites. He doesn't see the stacks of papers with dates, times, homework due dates, test dates, yearbook order forms, class pictures, field trip notes, dental appt reminders, doctor checkups, sick visits, trips to the pharmacy, errands to get new crayons, poster board. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. He gets none of this responsibility. He sees none of this. He never has to get kids on and off the bus. He packs two of their lunches each week, leaving me with making 13 more. I am the one that researches out of school activities and makes that happen. I guess I went on, but you get the idea. So for the person who I created these three children with and who left us on his own cognition to make it seem like I'm disorganized...that hurts. He still hurts me. Why do I let him? Because we are co-parents and some part of me, that isn't healed yet, wants to hear him say that he wants to be helpful that he knows all the things that I do and that maybe just maybe he's thankful that I'm doing it. Instead I'm made to feel like a failure. So today in my pathetic feel sorry for myself ways, I decided that I am no longer going to be that victim to him. I am not going to ever receive that thank you or even a nod that he knows what I do. That's probably one of the hardest things about single parenting. There is nobody there who loves your kids like you do, to just say. Yeah I understand what you are going through and you are doing a great job. Instead I will change my perspective. I will do these things solely because I love and adore these three girls. It's why I have always done it. I will find a plan b for all the trips to school, my mom, dad or my sister. I won't set myself up to be his victim. He's done enough damage to my heart. I KNOW that I'm doing a good job. This is where my kids want to be. This is where they feel like they can be themselves. This is their home. That will be enough of a nod for me. And just like that, today this quote came my way..... "Be the heroine of your life, not the victim." -Nora Ephron