Barefoot and Happy

A year ago at Christmas, it took all the strength I could muster to pretend to be present at the Christmas going ons. I suppose I was lucky that it was our year to be in Colorado. I was surrounded by my immediate family who were all just as sad as I was at the demise of my marriage. Just a simple glance between my sister and I and tears would well up in both of our eyes. My father would touch me in passing and we'd end up in a hug, both sobbing. My children could be found on the floor in our room in tears as well. It was perhaps our lowest point. During one of these cryfests, I removed myself from the rest of the family to go to my room. My mom followed shortly thereafter and she said something that I haven't forgotten, but at the time did not believe. In fact I thought she was crazy. Whether she knew it to be true or not at the time or if she was just speaking it to make us both feel better, I'll never know. She doesn't remember even saying it, but I do. She spoke these words to me..."In a year you won't even recognize your life."

Here we are a year later and guess what? My mom was right. I never knew a year ago that I would be working, that I would be in a new house that I adore and that is all mine, that my kids would seemingly be adjusted to our new life, that I would be adjusted to my new life and most amazingly that I would find a man who in my eyes was created perfectly for me. And that my folks is what this meandering post is all about. That guy.

He's amazing. He is spiritually balanced, loves our God, has a wicked sense of humor, a smile that makes me melt and arms that make me feel safe and warm. He is someone that I can spend hours talking to or just sit quietly with. When I began praying for God to prepare someone for me, I never could have imagined that he would be Dan Pennington. You see we went to high school together. We weren't friends back then. I knew who he was, he knew who I was, that was the extent of our teenage relationship. I never looked across the hall at him and thought...hmmmmmmm. I never really thought anything at all about him. This past year he went through the same experience that I did, a devastating divorce.

I, being a Facebook addict, noticed him posting 10 days of gratitude on his page. I saw a depth and spirit in him and began to comment. His thoughts were making me think. At the end of the ten days, he sent me a message and we began corresponding about how our faith got us through. We agreed to meet. I wanted to give him a copy of Alan Wright's sermon, Love Like You've Never Been Hurt(remember that one?). We met at a bar(how cliche)around 8 PM. He walked in all smiles. I'll never forget the moment he came around the corner and smiled. We easily fell into conversation and it never stopped. We ended up closing the place down, only to move to the grass next to a nearby lake where we sat for hours more talking and listening to music. I think we were there until almost 3 AM. It was not supposed to be a date, but it most definitely ended as one. He walked me to my car where I was going to give him the sermon and we kissed. It was awesome. We were connected so instantly. He pulled away and I said something to the effect of "you know you want another one" and he threw the papers into the air and really kissed me. It was the most magical kiss/date I had ever been on. That was August 1. We are almost to January 1 and it feels like we've known each other our entire lives. He is a true blessing to me.

So mom, you were right. I don't recognize my life. At all. I am happy, in love and thankful beyond belief. God has reigned down his blessings on me over and over again. I love my barefoot, guitar playing, bald, painter.

Thanks A lot

That is not sarcasm or a Girl Scout cookie. That is my heartfelt sentiment this evening. This morning I woke up in my house, got out of my big comfy bed, went to my kitchen, where I made a big pot of hot coffee, I then sat in my living room and read from my favorite devotional. A book that was given to me by a wonderful couple who have been a part of my life since I was a child. The devotional is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning's message was appropriate for the week we are celebrating. It was talking about a thankful attitude and how it opens the windows of heaven where we are given glimpses of eternity. I envisioned this in two ways. The first was a beautiful Colonial on top of a bright hill, the windows open, revealing soft cotton curtains blowing out. The view inside was obscurred because of the light outside of the house, but it was such a welcoming scene that I imagined wanting to be in that house and seeing what happens inside such a splendid home. The second image was that of a home at night. This time I was able to peer in the windows because the house was lit up. In each room, there was warmth and a feeling of family. The light inside was welcoming as with the light on the outside of the first home. I want to be in both of these homes. I love the glimpses I get right now of heaven. They are exactly as I have described these two scenes. It is amazing that I cannot humanly comprehend what heaven will be like. I think about that. I think about some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and I know they are but a speck of what the true beauty of heaven will offer me.

I am thankful that I have been blessed with the knowledge of heaven. That I have been given the opportunity to express my faith. I imagine how differently this past year would have been without my Heavenly Father holding me. Without him to cry to in sadness and pain. Without him looking out for me and my girls. How sad it is for people who don't have my God in their lives to help them through the rough patches. I want everyone to have him and know him.

I sat there this morning surrounded and aware of all of the many blessings that I have to be thankful for. It has been a rough road on my way to that house, but with each hiccup along the way, God has created so many more things to be thankful for. Is my life what I planned it to be? No, but it is exactly what God planned it to be. And for that I am truly thankful.

Therapy...Revisited

And the joke is on me. Wow, I had fooled everyone around me and most importantly myself into thinking that my life was just fine. I truly believed it. After my divorce was final I sort of coasted into this fun lifestyle of hanging out with my friends when I didn't have my kids and being a mom when they were here. I handled a move, a couple of vacations, homework, piano, and soccer. I did it all with a smile on my face and sarcasm on my tongue. If my ex was brought up, my inner class clown could come out faster than you could blink. Survival. That was what I was doing. And I tried to look fashionable doing it.

Where did that get me? Well I'll tell you where. Remember my last post? I feel the need for a retraction of a few sentences. Mainly the ones dealing with me being fine. The rest of it still holds true.

My kiddos came home Monday night and reality hit me in the face. They were a mess. I can't even imagine how they had held all of that in, but they did and boy did they let loose. Feelings just started exploding in me rapidly. By Tuesday night I was becoming a mess and there were some other personal things that added to that, but the central issue was that I had not really healed and that wedding bothered me a ton more than I could have imagined. Wednesday I broke. It happened rapidly. I felt enraged. I wanted to explode there was so much emotion and pressure in my chest. I couldn't eat, concentrate or even have a real conversation. By this morning it was worse. I would say it was worse than when he moved out. So bad! I dropped Coryn off at pre-school sobbing(awesome), started my drive downtown, made it halfway and then called my old therapist. He got me in immediately. In fact he came in early just to meet with me.

So here I am again sitting in Dr. Steve's office and this time I'm pissed off. I believe one of the first things I told him was that I felt like he was living his dream life and I was stuck carrying around a bag of shit. That's how I feel. I didn't choose any of this and while I know I have my health and I have my beautiful girls and I have the most amazing group of friends who rally around me in love and prayer, there is still this bag of shit that just sticks with me. He put it in my life and I can't put it down. He responded that I needed to do a little activity. He handed me a bat and then showed me to a dummy/punching bag thing and told me to hit it with my anger. I felt silly at first but then I started feeling it. I was yelling and hitting. I started sobbing uncontrollably and landed in a heap on the floor. When I stopped crying I truly felt relief. I need to do that three times a day. We talked a lot but what I realized is that I still have a long way to go and therapy is going to be a reality for me. So here I am again doing my post-therapeutic graduate work in rebuilding my life from the ground up. I go back Monday.

The final nail

Yesterday my ex-husband got remarried. It's such a strange feeling to know that your ex is married now to someone else. This is the person that I gave 20 years of my life to. I think other people had more emotional problems with the wedding than I did. I had some moments leading up to it but on the actual day yesterday, the only sadness that I felt was for those three girls that we created together. They were standing there watching their dad marry the woman who he had left our family for. It was gut-wrenching to think about. I am not a product of our divorce nation. I do not know how it feels to be a child who has to make their way in the muddy after effects of a choice that an adult who should never let you down makes. I received text messages from Ella that tore me apart. She wanted to come home. She outright said she wasn't happy about it. As a mother my instinct was to hop on the next flight and go be with my children and their delicate souls and minds. But this is something I have had to grow through. I don't have control or a say in everything that goes on in their lives. I can't protect them from this painful reality. I can't protect them from something that NEVER should have happened to begin with. It saddens me to see not only my children but so many kids that are in this position of having to make sense of a life of betrayal and bad choices.

My hope for my children is that they can see past the betrayal and accept love as they go forward without fear of rejection or of having their hearts torn out. It is something that I struggle with myself, but I can handle it. I'm an adult. I want them to know that all men do not leave, all men do not cheat, all men are not weak and cowardly. Some men stand up in the midst of a valley in their marriage and pray for God to come into the marriage and heal and protect. That is what I pray for these three girls, that they find those kind of men.

The storm behind me

Colorado has always been my favorite place to vacation. I would choose the mountains over any other location every single time. So the girls and I have been looking forward to our trip out here for several months. I love that they are also being raised with an appreciation for this gorgeous place.

As we were driving in to Denver yesterday, storm clouds appeared in front of us. They were dark and such an intense contrast to the light, sunny area we were leaving. We drove into the storm and as we did I thought a lot about the storm in my life this past year. The last two times I have been to Colorado, have been some of the darkest of my life. Last July when we were here, I was scared. I was in a begging and pleading war trying to keep my marriage intact. I was fighting for my family. This past December we were here again. We came just days after JR announced that he was divorcing me. I spent hours crying and being in my dark place. That week will go down as one of my darkest.

Yesterday when I saw the storm, these things rushed into my mind and I began thinking about how far I had come. As I was thinking about all of these dark things, the sky opened up to the most intense sun and rays. It was something almost unreal...the beauty in the sky above me. It was then that I recognized my story in the sky. I am past the storm and the other side is this amazingly stunning beauty. Something I never could have imagined I would experience just this past December. I remember begging to know when I'd feel whole again, while praying. And here I am. I am whole, healthy and absolutely happy. I am here in my favorite place, creating new memories with the new me.

The picture above was taken yesterday at milemarker 347 in Colorado. It is my number with the storm coming. Another reminder of God being there before that storm.

ETA: I'll have to add the picture when I'm back to my computer. My phone doesn't want to post it.

Tales of a Dating Drop Out

Sort of. I never expected to find myself in the position that I now find myself. Options. Tons and tons of options. Options seem like a good thing until you examine them a little closer. Some options include a lot of baggage, others include some severe character flaws, while others involve distance and also age. I am talking about my dating life. There have been a parade of people who have come into my life and the first few dates seem normal and then the reality of the person sneaks up on me. They might be intolerably late, rude to people in public places, distracted,or even way too into me. If it isn't one thing then it is another. It's depressing and I find myself at the beginning of a first date wondering "what will this one's fatal flaw be?"..."what is the deal breaker here?".

I find myself questioning whether my standards are set way too high? Are they? I don't think so. I don't want to find myself in a serious relationship with someone who from the beginning annoys me. That just seems like a recipe for relationship disaster. I have figured out a few things on this *ahem* adventure(I use that term loosely). Sense of humor is huge to me. Like if I don't laugh within the first few minutes, there is no point in going on. I like a man to open my door and get my seat(I'm a tad old fashioned). I like to be picked up at my house. I don't mind meeting someone somewhere here and there but it's nice to be fetched ;) I appreciate a guy with creativity and passion for things in his life. I want someone who has their own group of friends but who also enjoys mine. I don't mind just staying in and watching a movie every now and then. We don't always have to be going and doing. So an ability to be relaxed is important. Faith is a big deal. I was over the top impressed by one date that played a song for me. It was Third Days, Born Again. I couldn't help but smile knowing this was someone of obvious faith and comfortable enough in his faith to share that with me on one of our first dates. I don't want more kids. This has been a deal breaker on the flip side. I get that a guy who has never had kids would want them, but I just can't do it again. So if my own list isn't crossing them off then I may be being crossed off theirs.

Oy! It's confusing and difficult and makes me want to hang up my hat and just say. Enough! But I still get out there and keep trying. I haven't been at this very long and I already feel this way. I wonder how I will feel in a year if I'm still in this position. You might check your local nunnery in that case.

I'm sort of a big deal

Not really. But for the last week, this is the way I've felt. If ever a blog has been so aptly named, this week, Her Head in the Clouds is EXACTLY what I have been. I am in love...with my life. I am happy and content. Even the summer cold from hell cannot take me down.

I closed on my new house last Thursday, July 7. I spent the next few days arranging, rearranging and organizing this special place until everything felt just right. I used to have a chair in the old house that was my sanctuary from life. This entire house feels that way. I miss my old neighbors being so close, but I also know they are only a 5 minute or less drive away if I need them.

Some of the things I love about this house:
The front porch...I have had my coffee out there every single morning.
The smaller size
The window above my kitchen sink
My new fridge
Having the big t.v. in my living room and no t.v. in my bedroom
Being able to make every. single. decision. myself.

While everything is in it's final place, I cannot handle the white walls. Every single wall in this house is white. Stark white! So, over the next year I will be transforming the inside of this house into a beautiful collection of colors that will make my heart even more happy.

The icing on the cake was Thursday night when my dad embraced me and told me how proud he is of me. I LOVE my life.

Opening my heart

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I made a conscious decision to allow my heart to open up to someone. I could have closed myself off and not done it. I could have decided I didn't want to be hurt. I could have let fear keep me from feeling, but I didn't. I threw all reason aside and opened it up. It felt good to feel again. To be touched physically and also emotionally. It felt good to listen to music that spoke to the feelings that I was having. By opening up my heart, I healed just a little bit more. This person helped me feel beautiful and relevant again. He was sent to me for this purpose. I truly believe that it was mutual healing that we did together.

So now this phase, whatever this was, is over. It makes me sad, but I am also thankful that I got to experience it. That sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. I never imagined that he and I would be joined together on this journey. I want to thank him for it, for helping me heal and I probably will sometime when the sadness has lessened. For now I will just know that I am capable of having feelings and get ready for the next adventure and people who are coming into my life.

Things that make me laugh

Laughing is essential in life. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to share the things that make me laugh with others. So enjoy these two things that brought me joy this week.

This is one that I had already seen but it just never gets old. I could use some of this shampoo this week:


Jenny at the Bloggess always makes me laugh. I stalk her blog. This particular entry/article has brought me such great laughs. I just have to share it:
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/cosmetic-vagina-surgery-0616111/

Cheating, Adultery, Douchebaggery...whatever you want to call it

I had a conversation today with someone who will for obvious reasons remain nameless. The conversation involved this person divulging to me that they had had an affair. This person actually thought I'd understand why they went outside of their marriage because I have spoken that I am happier now that I am away from marriage, which is a true statement, but the thing is even though I can say that now, I still would not have ended my marriage because of this. I didn't feel sympathy for this person and their loveless marriage or the fact that they weren't happy. I was pissed off. I had to remind myself that this was an opportunity for me to share my thoughts on this subject.

The first thing I told this person is that they owed it to their marriage/spouse to do everything possible to strengthen and to renew the relationship they had. I honestly believe most marriages can be saved if both parties will just get past their own selfishness and really look at the person that they married and see their needs. I loved two books last year The Love Dare and also The Five Love Languages. I recommend them to anybody who I think might need them. They didn't save my marriage but that was because only one of us wanted it to be saved.

If saving the marriage isn't possible then they owe it to that spouse who they promised their life to, to leave them before any kind of cheating occurs. Being cheated on is humiliating. It makes you feel worthless and it brings up so many raw emotions of betrayal at its greatest level. I could have accepted a mid-life crisis, a hormonal imbalance, that my spouse didn't love me or that he was homo-sexual easier than I could have an affair. This person actually told me that their marriage was just dull and boring now, that they wanted the thrill of the first kiss and the first date. I get that. It is exciting, but I would trade that in a heartbeat for the constancy of marriage, for a partner to talk to about issues in my life, someone to make decisions with and someone who knows you who knows your body and that comfort level you just have with a spouse. I miss that.

I then went on to ask this person what kind of relationship they expected to have with the exciting party once they both have left their dull lives and hopped the fence. Crazy answer! "They get me", "Physically it is amazing", "we have fun together". Well no shit. It's fun because it's like you are on a roller coaster. It's partly scary and partly thrilling, but the ride ends. And then you are left with this person, with each other, two people who can't be trusted. What then? You sit around and wait for the first one to cheat? That sounds like an amazing way to live your life.

I have no idea if I reached this person. I probably didn't, but at least I didn't sit idly by and allow them to spew this crap and make it sound like they deserved better. I imagine they won't be coming to me for advice or as a good ear in the future. I have some major opinions on this and I can't give on them. It isn't ok with me. I don't want to hear about it. In fact I'm pretty fired up about it right now. It would probably be best for me to avoid this particular couple for the long haul now.

The ADD guide to packing up a house

The title is misleading because I have no intention of guiding or even helping with this post. I just had a good laugh at myself as I realized that in the last hour of "packing" I have been in Coryn's closet and packed up 1 box of her shoes. I was in Ella's room where I packed up a box of her stuff and then back to Coryn's room where I made her bed, at which time I found a picture she drew that I wanted to keep so I headed downstairs where I opened up the cabinet where all the kept pictures are and decided that I should make a kid craft box. What a great idea because then they can still have their craft stuff for the next two weeks. I actually accomplished this task and was thinking I should go through those cabinets some more when I realized that I had intended on finishing up another box that was downstairs with the coats from Coryn's closet as padding. I suppose you get the idea at this point. It would be so much freaking easier to get this house packed up if I could just FOCUS!

Does anyone have some Ritalin to spare? God help me!

The men in my life

"I live with her in the beauty of peace and of all delight and sweetness, I am directed by her counsels, supported by her prayers. I press forward by her merits, I am upheld by her kindnesses and daily I enjoy conversation with her."

Guibert of Gembloux regarding Hildegard of Bingen


I have been watching my oldest, for the last couple of years, forge a friendship with the boy across the street. It is interesting to watch. At times I think there is somewhat of a mutual crush that is happening and then at other times, I see them acting just as friends do. They spend any time that they have at home, together. He is a fixture at our house and is a great kid so I don't mind. We will be moving in a couple of weeks and I know this will be hard on them, but we'll make every effort to continue this friendship from a few neighborhoods away. This friendship has made me reflect on all of the great male/female relationships I have had in my life and how those "boys" helped me become who I am now.

My first boy/girl friendship was with a boy named William. He lived next door. He constantly had a Kool-Aid mustache and could do no wrong in his mother's eyes. We spent hours playing kickball, riding our bikes and just hanging out in the side yards between our two houses. He was my first kiss although it was gross and it never happened again, and he was the one who spilled the beans on Santa. I have no idea where William is now, but he gets the honor of being my first male "friend".

A few years later...ok actually a lot of years later and I am in high school...I met Bryan. Bryan and I were probably the most unlikely of friends. This was a relationship that teetered on friendship/romance constantly. We never tipped the scales into the romance department though. He had an apartment our senior year in high school(long story) and I spent a ton of time there. I had a crush on his best friend, which resulted in a fight between the two of them. We shared our dating adventures and misadventures with each other. I was hurt on my wedding day when Bryan didn't show up. Out of every friend who was important for me to have there, he was the one. Honestly I would have had him stand up with me. Bryan reappears in my life every now and then and it is like we have never been apart. He is now married to a beautiful woman and has three gorgeous kiddos and I could not be happier for him. He is in politics now, which is no surprise to me at all.

Jeff came along around the same time that Bryan did. We went to church camp together. We spent hours watching all of the 80's brat pack movies. Breakfast Club will forever be our movie, and I'll never be able to enjoy a Kit-Kat ever again thanks to him. Jeff worked at the movie theater with my boyfriend at the time and so I saw a ton of movies with the two of them. Jeff and I rode to school every day together and then we spent our freshman year at Graceland together. He was like the brother I never had. I ran into him at a Mavericks game awhile back and he hasn't changed a bit. He is an artist now.

When I got married it was harder to keep up these friendships. I let them slide. Partly because I didn't feel that it was appropriate for me to be so close to these guys. I never realized how much I missed having male friends in my life until J.R. left. He never really filled that role for me. We could laugh and have a good time together, but he and I never had that bond that I had with my other male friends throughout my life. That brother bond.

In October I received a message through Facebook from a guy, Travis, that I had gone to junior high/high school with, offering me support during this difficult time. He was going through a similar situation and we began corresponding. I honestly am not quite sure that I would have made it through these past 8 months without him. He knows everything that goes on in my life. I know everything that goes on his. We talk/text every single day and he has given me some of the best advice. He lives in Atlanta(he's a wine/beer/liquor distributor) so we don't see each other. I met him in 7th grade history class. My opinion of him at that time was not that great. He sat next to a girl(bully) who made my life hell. I associated him with her. He then asked me out a few years later and I turned him down rather harshly. I thought he was arrogant and full of himself and wanted nothing to do with him. We laugh about this now. I can't imagine not having him in my life.

Around this same time, Nick came into my friendship loop. Although he is my first guy friend that I have mixed "dating" with. He has also been a constant support during this difficult time. He was a completely unexpected friend for me. I've known him for several years, but never really got to know him. He's funny and easy to talk to. I love that he is introducing me to my new single life by showing me new adventures outside of my suburban bubble. I refuse to let the "dating" mess up the friendship aspect of us though. I like having him as a friend too much.

Then there's Mike. Hi Mike(cause I know you are reading this). He is my Twitter friend. He too has shared the depressing journey of my past year. He makes me laugh and offers me support when I need it. I tease him relentlessly about being his stalker. I think he and I will be friends for a long time. When are we accidentally going to Blanc? (see how I did that? to force you to comment ;))

There are other men who have been my friends at one time or another. They are not less important in having some sort of impact on my life, these are just a few that stand out to me as I reflect today.

People often discuss whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There can be an argument on either side honestly. I have feelings for all of these guys. Are they romantic? Not necessarily. Have there been romantic feelings or confusion with some of them? Yes. But with that said, most of them, I would never have crossed that line because I wouldn't have wanted to muddy the friendship waters. I truly feel like men offer women a distinct and truthful view of life. Women tend to nurture and agree with each other. I have found that if I want the honest truth with no cushion, then I should ask a guy. I know this works the other way as well. Case in point: Travis texted me awhile back on a first date and asked if it was ok for him to get the number of ANOTHER girl while his "date" was in the restroom? Since he wasn't going to go out with this girl again. My response? "Hell no!!" And then the next time we talked I chastised him for even thinking that might be kosher! These questions and interactions are the beauty of male/female friendships.

As I watch my daughter with her first male friend, I reflect on how important the male friends I have and have had are to me. I hope that my daughters find some really great guy friends growing up to share their journeys with, to ask embarassing questions to, to make memories with. I can't imagine my life without these guys in it.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A long time ago I made a promise to my children. It was a similar promise to the one that I made to my husband. Basically it was that I would be married for life. That they would never have to worry about their mom and dad getting divorced because we did not believe in giving up and took our vows before God seriously. This came up because we had some friends divorcing and it scared the kids. They saw their friends going through this terrible trial of life and even with their young hearts they knew that they never ever wanted to go through that same pain. I remember exactly where I was when we had this conversation. We were driving down 7 highway headed home from said friend's house. J.R. was not in the car with us.

Flash forward to yesterday. I had an appointment. My mother came over to watch the girls while I was out. When I returned she told me that the girls had opened up to her about a lot of what they have been feeling and seeing. Tara specifically brought up the fact that I had made this promise years before. My mother, my tactful and carefully worded mother, explained to her that I meant that promise, that I would have never broken that promise and that I did everything I could to keep that promise. And Tara's response was "I know my mom worked to save our family. It is because Daddy wanted a girlfriend."

They know the score. They have never had to be told the score. He was selfish and so he ruined his family so that he could have the grass on the other side of the fence. I somehow don't think that grass is going to be very filling or fulfilling. I don't really care if it is or isn't. I am sort of shamefully just glad that my children are smart enough to figure out what happened here. I honestly feel guilty for feeling that way, BUT I do.

Hell-Mart

I loathe Wal-Mart. If I never ever had to step foot in another store again, I would be quite happy. The problem for me currently is that my budget needs Wal-Mart. And so I find myself there among all of the People of Wal-Mart and feel that I can no longer judge these people as I am among them more than I care to admit.

Today I went to the doctor. I got a prescription and as I was walking out, the doctor said, "I wrote that prescription for a 90 day supply which you can often find at Wal-Mart for $10." This is a prescription that I have been paying $20 a month for almost as long as I can remember. So being sucked in by that price tag, I visited the pharmacy there for the first time.

Here is the difference in my experience there as compared to my local pharmacy. No eye contact whatsoever! Absolutely not one smile, nor one attempt to connect on a human level at all. There will never be any personalization because I counted 25 state licenses on the wall! 25! That's a lot of people. There is no way they can get to know their customers and they obviously don't care to. At my local pharmacy they know my name, they know I have three girls and often ask about them if they aren't with me. They give stickers and suckers and make phone calls about my prescription with a smile on their faces. They come out and suggest options for me if I am looking at an over the counter med that I am unfamiliar with.

Today my quandry is this, I want to support local businesses. Especially friendly ones with excellent service, but right now I can't afford to. It upsets me. I honestly felt like I was cheating on my pharmacy. I have issues...I am well aware. And this is exactly what drives local businesses out of business. They can't compete and I am forced into their store by my budget. BUT I swear as soon as my budget allows, I will be back to my friendly local pharmacy where I will be greeted once again with smiles.

My favorite things

When I was a little girl, I loved loved loved to watch The Sound of Music. It always came on around Christmas, which sort of baffles me now because it really isn't a Christmas/Holiday movie at all. My sister and I would do the whole So Long routine on our cramped little stairs. We could pretend it was a grand staircase in the middle of Austria. I wanted to be Leisl in the rain with Rolf. Sixteen seemed so old to me and she was so beautiful in her white dress skipping across the benches in the gazebo. When my babies were, well babies, I would sing My Favorite Things to them. "Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into spring, these are a few of my favorite things". I own this movie now. I have tried to get my own girls to watch this beloved musical and they can't make it through the first scene. Makes. Me. Sad.

So this song has been stuck in my head. I actually have been thinking a lot about my favorite things lately and decided to write them down.

1) Hot baths with bubbles and music
2) Naps
3) Reading
4) Running
5) Baking
6) Holding hands with someone, especially little hands.
7) Praying/Meditating
8) Yoga
9) Biking
10) Traveling
11) Wine
12) Desserts
13) Lemons
14) Morning coffee
15) Morning something else
16) My neighbors
17) My family
18) My friends
19) Colorado
20) Kids
21) Being Silly
22) Hammocks
23) The Symphony
24) Playing Board games with my family
25) The Beach
26) Kissing
27) Music...all the time
28) Fresh flowers especially Gerbera Daisies. Oh and Orange ones!
29) People Watching
30) Clean Sheets


I think while I fold laundry today(not one of my favorite things at all), I will pull the movie out and sing these old songs at the top of my lungs. Who am I kidding? I will have Coryn on the stairs teaching her the So Long song and how to exit gracefully while waving.

Reflections

I sat in church yesterday and was reminded how blessed I have been this past year. The sermon was all about being in the presence of God, and feeling his spirit. The speaker talked about how some people don't ever feel the spirit whereas others feel it constantly. I immediately thought about how I have actually been bathed in the spirit for vast amounts of time as I have gone through all of the emotions that come with a marriage ending. I feel blessed because I was raised in a home of faith and I am surrounded by people of faith. So when things started going South, I turned to my faith. I prayed almost constantly. And in return I felt his spirit just as constantly. I still felt the pain of my emotions, but it was less sharp and I felt less alone.

One thing that I recognize as God's part in this past year are all of the people he has brought into my life to help me heal. There is a cheesy saying about how people are brought into our lives for seasons. I have had it sent to me through email so many times, I couldn't possibly count them, BUT while the cynic in me sort of makes fun of the saying, I believe this to be true. I have watched this happen in my life over the past year. I am thankful for each and every person who played a role in my healing.

I think about the night J.R. left. I took my scared and crying children to my parents where we were all administered to by my father and brother in law. These are the people who are in my lifelong "season". I drove home in tears and was met by my friend, Cindy, who sat up with me all night long while I cried and talked.

There were the days that followed where I showed up at my Bible study and the women there sat and prayed with me. I couldn't go anywhere where I wasn't reminded that he was sending people to me to help me get through this. People that were completely unexpected. People that had been strangers that now were playing a huge role in my healing. Sent at exactly the precise time that I needed them, to help me exactly where I was right then.

As I have healed, I have stopped allowing myself to be bathed in his spirit. I have stopped waking up in the morning to my devotions and to my prayer. Life has caught up with me. I am happy and therefore my human nature has taken over and I have started controlling my own life again. I have not allowed God to be my leader or even my companion. It is starting to show in some areas of my life.

I loved being in his presence during this past year so I'm not quite sure why I allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. It requires a lot of discipline to stay grounded in your faith. This is not something I have ever been known for. It is my biggest weakness. I hope that with this reminder from yesterday, I can come back into his presence. I enjoyed it there. It is a safe and peaceful place. I am a better person for being there. I don't want to live without it.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Birthdays

Dinner and me showing off my killer blue heels:

Tony Richardson was nice enough to have us as his guests:


We had a blast with this one. Neither one of us know what was happening in this picture but we have some great captions going for it on facebook right now.


The New House


I am sort of a freak about my birthday. I'm not really sure exactly what it is about my day, but I love it. I look forward to it and celebrate not just that day but the days before it as well. Despite the year I have had, I still looked forward to this year's celebration. Once again I was not disappointed. The entire weekend was fantastic.

A year ago, Sharri came from Houston to celebrate my birthday with me. We spent that entire weekend laughing, being ridiculous, and acting like complete and total idiots. Some of our fun that weekend included the purchase of Zurich, my gnome buddy. He was a presence the entire weekend and has continued to be my sidekick in Sharri's absence. We had an ugliest outfit contest at Gordmans, we ate and drank constantly, we got to meet Dino Kartsonakis and even got him into the photo bombing that was Zurich. We had a dance party on my kitchen counter and we just visited like old friends do. It was a great weekend and really would have been hard to top. I didn't think that just one year later I would not only top it, but blow the whole thing out of the water.

It started on Friday. I am the least superstitious person you will ever meet. I've just never felt like anything bad is actually going to happen to me while I am crossing paths with a black cat while breaking a mirror on the ladder that I am walking under. I posted on my Facebook status that I was going to laugh at Friday the 13th. I challenged the day to do its worst and guess what? It was a freaking awesome day. It was the rockstar of all 13ths.

The day in list form:
* went to DMV to renew license(this is truly me challenging the day)didn't have the right documentation and so I was given a 60 day extension. Score!
* looked at a house, put a bid on that house
* had a great dinner with my parents
* spent the evening dreaming of what might be my new home
* oh yeah, my divorce was final...although I didn't actually know this until Monday

That last one is sort of a big deal. My one birthday wish was to have my divorce final before my birthday as I wanted this to truly be an entirely new year for me without him being a part of it. And even though I didn't know it at the time. I still think it is pretty great that I got my birthday wish.

My actual birthday was just as great:
* made chocolate/peanut butter chip pancakes and ate breakfast with my girls
* went to Tara's final soccer game, where they completed an undefeated season. Go Tigers!
* met my girlfriends at my house for a pre-evening drink and then off to dinner
* had a great dinner at Kona Grill
* Moved on to Tassos toga party
* Oh and my offer was accepted on my new house. Happy birthday to me.

I reflected a lot on my past year. I have had so many wonderful people come into my life. I've also had people who were a part of my life already, develop a deeper relationship with me. I discovered this year that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I am blessed beyond measure. I have the greatest family and friends And I am loved...truly loved by so many people.

I am looking forward to this coming year. I wonder if my next birthday can top this one.

Stop!

STOP!!!! Something I want to yell at him often!!! He still sets me off. Stop touching me. Stop making yourself so at home in the house you left. Stop complimenting me. Stop smiling at me. Stop the joking. I do not want to be your friend right now. I do not want to pretend that what you did was OK. I definitely don't want you to ever feel like you have the right to touch me, even in passing. You lost all of these rights. You are not my husband, my partner or even my friend. Just stop.

Divorce

Just when we seem to be moving along and healing, we are brought back to our reality. For each of us, it comes at different times which is probably better. If all four of us were to sink into the pit at the same time, who would be there to save they day. To lend an ear, a hug, or to confirm that yes indeed this sucks.

Unfortunately over the last 24 hours, all three of my girls have struggled. And it has been in ways I haven't seen since December or January.

For E all of the changes are coming at her too quickly. She has never liked change and so the idea of moving scares the crap out of her. It doesn't matter that she isn't changing schools. It does matter that the last place we all lived together will no longer be her home. She is struggling with me moving on as well. I think she is seeing that I am over him and realizes that this truly means that it is over and life IS going to be different.

For T, it's anger directed at all of us. She can't say what's on her mind so instead she blows up at the slightest thing. We had this conversation tonight.
T: mom do lots of people get divorced?
Me: unfortunately, yes.
T: like one a day?
Me: more than one a day. :(
T: that's terrible. It should be like one a year.
Me: I too wish it was more like that.
So between fits of anger and then thoughtful conversations such as this one, I can tell that she is concerned about our future.

C wants to pray. She loves to pray and is always an eager volunteer when a prayer is needed. Tonight she asked me to pray. As I prayed she started sobbing. I asked her what was wrong and she replied that it was Daddy leaving. And why did he leave? That's a hard question to answer on a four year old level. I can't say "he left because he was a coward, because he wasn't happy, because there was someone else". So instead I just hold my sad girl and tell her that we both love her and that she will get to see her Daddy tomorrow. It appeases her but I know she is confused.

Luckily I was in a place where I could handle all three of my daughters and their respective meltdowns. It is a painful reminder that we are not through the fire. That we are still fighting and healing and fighting some more. And it is also a reminder to me to not get too comfortable with my new situation. In the words of a wise friend, "just because you are in a good place now, does not mean that they are." This was shown to me pretty deeply today and last night. I will continue to dialogue with them, keep them talking and hopefully healing.

The Trolley Run

For the last few months I have been running. Not like marathons or anything, just your typical mom/treadmill time. I've never been a runner in my life. I would rather do just about anything else physically. I love yoga, riding my bike, hiking, canoeing and I really enjoyed my time when I was doing boot camp. Running just seemed boring to me. The ex is a runner. What I would actually call a fanatical runner. He was constantly training for some up and coming race. I was a tad bit bitter about the running. Perhaps that is another reason why I hated it. I always associated it with him. BUT now I am breaking my negative associations with him, by confronting them head on. I am replacing them with my own experiences and running was at the top of that list.

I used a program on my phone called Couch to 5K (C25K). It is a wonderful app to get you up and moving. It is around a 30 minute workout and really prepares your body gradually for endurance. I have known quite a few people who have started their running using this program so I felt confident about it.

As part of the training, I signed up for two road races; The Trolley Run(4 miles)and the Mothers Day 5K at Corporate Woods. My friend Teresa who is my exercise guru, told me to always have a race on the calendar as it is how to keep yourself motivated. She was right. I watched the date approaching and made every effort to be prepared.

On Sunday I ran my very first road race. It was the trolley run and it was exhilarating for me. As I started running I had butterflies. I haven't done much outdoor running so I was nervous about 4 miles of pavement. I was nervous that Kristi, my running partner, was a secret Carl Lewis, and was going to leave me in her dust. But no. She and I kept pace together the entire run. I enjoyed the pavement. I enjoyed the changing scenery. I loved passing each mile marker and finally I absolutely felt the biggest high when I saw the finish line. I never understood why people loved these races like they do until that moment. It was the best feeling in the world, completing that race. And while we weren't Carl Lewis(4 miles in 50 min 43 seconds), we had so much to be proud of. Two stay at home moms, who have three kiddos each, beaming from our accomplishment.

In three weeks she and I will run our next race. This time there is no hesitation or fear. I know I'm ready!

FFF (Favorite Facebook Friday)

I found out today that I could clean the bottom tray of my toaster out! I've only had it for...well we'll be married 11 years in May ;) I've just been shaking my whole toaster over the trash can all these years!

Remember when teachers, public employees, Planned Parenthood, NPR and PBS crashed the stock market, wiped out half of our 401Ks, took trillions in TARP money, spilled oil in the Gulf of Mexico, gave themselves billions in bonuses, and paid no taxes? Yeah, me neither.

‎3 things I fear about this trip... Sitting in Steerage... 1st Class Intl Lay Flat seats and champagne preflight solved that... The Chucacabre... He sucks blood! Thankfully, I'm single and traveling alone without a blood sucking boyfriend! And no sunglasses... Left those in the car! Thank God for Duty Free Shops!

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know.
This weakness I feel I must finally show.

So happy to see someone else discovering the joys of gnome ownership.

Perceptions

I was thinking about this word today. And it reminded me of my absolute favorite part of the book, The Shack. I can't find my copy so I am going to cheat and copy and paste it off the internet.

Emotions just are. They are neither bad nor good; they just exist... Most emotions are responses to perception- what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms- what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly.

Wow! It still sort of amazes me how those words wrap around my brain and make me think about all of the mis-perceptions that I have on any given day. I am probably the queen of them. I constantly read into things way too much and then I am sure my mis-reactions reflect that falsely.

I had lunch yesterday with a friend who tried to tell me last June where my marriage was going to end up. I immediately viewed her response(which was that my ex was having an affair) as her projecting her own life story onto me. Instead of listening to her, I shut myself off from her, her ideas, her family and quite frankly I was angry. Now looking back, I wasn't really angry at her. I was angry because I think deep down I knew that what her perception of our situation was, was probably correct. Perception is a tricky thing in relationships. Every single relationship and interaction we have, have two perceptions at least and sometimes more depending on how many people are involved. It can get very confusing and beliefs can be skewed. I apologized to my friend yesterday. I explained my perception to her and how very wrong I was to have judged her and basically written her off. It is good to know that I have forgiving friends. That is what she did, because she loves me. I love her and missed her and look forward to putting this behind us.

Birthdays

I love love love my birthday. I never understand people who prefer to just see the day die away without any kind of celebration. Today, my birthday is exactly one month away. So I am looking forward to celebrating this day in some way or another. No definitive plans yet. I am the sort though that likes to recognize the entire week before my birthday much to the annoyance of those around me. So it probably won't be just one celebration but a few. And with that, I am totally fine. I have decided that this year for my birthday I will be treating myself to two gifts. Two things that I have been lusting after for quite some time. I know they are things and I shouldn't lust, but let me have this one time of the year to indulge. The first are these:



Talk about a great workout! These nifty little handheld weights will kick your butt and hopefully mine. I used to love using the kettlebells at bootcamp. I want my own!

The second is something that I seem to be the only person left in the world that doesn't own one. I feel like everyone is taunting me with their fancy schmancy coffee makers. I haven't decided on which one I want yet, the Keurig or the Tassimo:





I can hardly stand the anticipation, although that's half the fun :)

My latest Musical motivation

I have had Pink on repeat constantly for about a week. My favorites include:


And:


Mumford and Sons:


Joshua Radin- He has such a soothing voice:

Choices

If you are a part of my inner circle of friends, you know that the last 36 hours have been a tad bit difficult for me. I try to allow myself to feel the emotions that sometimes flood over me, but at the same time I don't want for them to take over my life. Many times I give myself an allotted amount of time to be down, to mope, to self reflect. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day doing absolutely nothing productive to the outside eye, but in reality I was battling a flood of emotions and I was determined to come out on top of it.

The lesson I have learned from this whole experience is this: Life is definitely a choice you make. You choose how you react to every situation that comes your way. In the beginning of this process I chose to love my ex even though he was very difficult to love, but guess what? I loved him. Then I chose to be strong and faithful and once again I was. I chose to be happy and starting laughing and smiling a lot more than I had in years. I chose to try new things and I was pleasantly surprised to find things that I love that I never thought in a million years I would. It is all because I have figured out how to open my heart to these choices and truly allow them to take root in my life. It seems simple and honestly it really is once you start accepting the control you have over your own life.

So today is a new day. It is sunny and beautiful. I will meet two friends for coffee. I will run my 3 miles, I will spend some time in the sun and I will pray. What a wonderful day of choices. My chin is up and I am the only one that can allow that to be ruined.

You change your life by changing your heart.
Max Lucado

FFF (Favorite Facebook Friday)

A Friday compilation of the things that made me laugh or think a little bit more deeply, oh and the tunes from my music friends :)

There are 2466 bar stools that match my criteria. Except most of them don't. Liars.

A friend who ALWAYS has the most comical pictures of himself:


7 days to Peru...I have so much luggage I'm gonna look like GD Kate Winslet boarding the Titanic when I get on MARTA to the airport!

My kind of dirty can't be washed off unless they have created hand sanitizer for the soul!



And this week on my own FB, I shared this quote from Eat, Pray, Love:
If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher,and if you are prepared, most of all, to forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. Eat, Pray, Love.

Closing out a chapter in my life

I have been a blogger for a few years. I had a family/personal blog that I haven't touched in a long time before I came here for my writing therapy. I went to it early this morning, read every single entry and decided that I am finished with it. It chronicles a life that is lost. As with so many things in my life right now, it is best to just leave it where it ended. I won't delete it. It will remain out there in cyberland and perhaps be revisited by me at times(there are some really great pictures of my girls on there): http://fbucks2f.blogspot.com/

Good Bye Five Bucks!

People I want to meet

I often run across people who completely intrigue me. People who I have not actually met in real life, but would really like to meet.

www.thebloggess.com : I want to see her office. She is such an ecclectic person and honestly I think I would love to hang out with her even if it was at a Japanese brothel of sorts and of course I really really want to touch James Garfield. I wonder if she lets you pet him?


Rachel Luft(Turds and Whey in my Blogroll): A friend of mine from one of my mommy boards. She definitely fits into the intriguing category. She lives a life like nobody else I have ever met. Her German husband, Uli, is sort of famous in the medical community because he was present here(it's gross,don't click if you have a weak stomach):
http://www.snopes.com/photos/medical/maggots.asp
Besides that, she is a one woman sitcom waiting to happen. For real. I imagine Rachel and I sitting at a great restaurant somewhere, outside, drinking expensive wine and talking about all of her many celebrity sightings and The El Tapatio man. I would totally make her talk like him. Oh and I so wish she would blog more. She is a fantastic writer.


Robert Downey Jr.: I have had a crush on him since his Weird Science days. I have loved him through all of his troublesome career and have always included him in the "somebody I'd love to meet" list. He is so intelligent and funny, two qualities that mean the most to me. For some reason, I imagine us roller skating together. That is how we would hang.



I figure I will meet one of these people(Rachel) at some point. There is a distinct possibility that I might someday also meet The Bloggess but probably not in her home with James Garfield. As for RDJ, that is probably never going to happen, but a girl can dream.

Pinterest

I joined Pinterest awhile back after an invite from a friend. I joined and then forgot about it....until last night. And now? I am in love. I am in love with falling in love with ideas. Ideas that I will probably never put into motion in my own life but which I can appreciate. Ideas such as these teacup lights:

Or who would ever have thought to make shapes out of hard boiled eggs?!?

What about a malted chocolate marshmallow cake?


It was a visual shopping trip that I spent 2 hours going through. And the really great thing? I didn't spend a dime.

FFF (Favorite Facebook Friday)

A compilation of all of my favorite posts and status updates via my friends from the week.

Why do we close our eyes when we pray? When we cry? When we dream? Or when we kiss? Because we know that the most beautiful things in life are not seen, but felt by heart. ♥

Just saw a fender bender between a Hummer and a Taurus. Ironically, the Taurus won.

There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. Ann Voskamp

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on... me that these obstacles were my life. — Alfred D. Souza

A setback is a setup for a comeback.. Author unknown

MUSIC from my Week:
much like there is "an app for that," i believe there is "a song for that" tune in.





And I had a good laugh this morning as I posted a sarcastic status update and was pleasantly surprised to see that 3 of my friends GOT my humor. Facebook Polls are annoying LOL!

Funk

That is the only way to describe the mood I have been in for over a week now. I have moments where I come out of this dark pit but then I wake up in the morning and realize it's another day just like the one before it. Nothing has changed. I'm still in the same situation that is no closer to being resolved. I get angry that the person who wanted this divorce is now the one who is doing none of the work for it. It's the least he could do. He put me here. So man up and take some action.

I'm absent emotionally from a lot of things right now. It's just easier to disconnect than to stop and really feel. It's easier to crawl in bed and sleep. It's easier to avoid talking to people and it's much easier to pretend than to really share my pain. How is it that I come back to this place, just when I think I've triumphed over it? I try to look at it on a timeline. The gaps are getting longer. I spend less time here.

So it's one of those times that I am reflecting on what went wrong, reflecting on the people who have and are still loving me through this, and once again allowing myself to be in a funk. I'm giving myself one more day and then I'm going to pull myself back up and put my game face on. And hopefully it will be some time before I revisit this side of me again.

Computer geek = BFFs

I remember my first computer well. It would have been around 1985/86 and my dad came home with a box that had an apple on it. An Apple IIC! Remember that one? It had the graphics of the Atari and compared to today's standards in computers, it was just a fancy calculator/typewriter.

Flash Forward about 10 years and I am now married with another box, another new computer and.....drumroll please....internet! Yes it was 1996 and I, Heather, met the internet. It was still archaic to today's standards. It was dial up. I remember listening to the dial tone and the swooshy swoosh sound while my computer tried to connect, and hit or miss, trying to find a connection to the world wide web.

Flash forward another few years. It is the year 2000. I have left my teaching job for a much more important job. I became a mother in July 1999. I was staying home and was trying my hardest to be the perfect stay at home Mommy I could be. And here is where my life took a twist. I joined an online Mom's group at Baby Center. I had no idea at the time that these women who I was comparing poop, puke, sleep and post baby body horror stories with would become like family to me. The first mom I ever met from online was Kristi. I invited her to my house with her 6 month old baby. Ah the horror. Both of our families thought that we were completely insane and that we would both surely be killed and our babies taken from us to never be seen again. My mom and dad actually came over and camped out to meet her with me LOL! As time passed I met other moms. I traveled to Dallas with Kristi to a meetup of around 10 moms from our group and our 4 year olds. I also planned and executed an unforgettable ladies Colorado trip for eight of us. I have traveled to New Mexico, South Carolina, Dallas, St. Louis, Vegas, Tennessee and I am sure someplace I am forgetting. I became so close to a small group of these women. There is Krist, who lives about 10 minutes from me, There is Sharri who I will never forget a Mommy gift exchange that she and I had from our mommy board and a certain x-ray machine that she had to go through in order to send it ;). She and and I have shared some crazy times. She spent my last birthday here with me. She was my birthday present. Probably the last nice/heartfelt thing that "he" did for me. There is Heather who is my twin. We were separated at birth I am pretty sure. She has all the crazy in her that I have as well. Her husband booked her a flight out here last fall to visit me right after my ex left. She did this right in the middle of the busiest time in her life as she was opening a new business(her Cupcakery...Cupcrazed). There is Carly who I slept with the first night I met her ;) And spent a great weekend at her house for her annual crawfish boil a few years ago. I have a chipped tooth as a permanent memory of that weekend.

And then in 2005 I joined another Mom's group because I was expecting my third baby and it had been 5 years since I had done this pregnancy thing. And I found another loving family in the Sapphire Sweeties; The September 2006 baby group. I bonded with these women over our little Virgos. And once again I started to meet the Sweeties on trips around the country. The first one I met was Kelly. I was in San Diego and I had C with me. She was around 5 months old. We met them at this gorgeous Italian restaurant right on the coast(it was where Kelly and her dh(computer speak for dear hubby or damn hubby depending on what story is being told)had their wedding reception). We sat and talked with our babies in our arms and instantly connected. Since that time Kelly and I have seen each other in Vegas and also in Santa Barbara. The next Sweetie I met was Kirsta. She lives in Colorado, a state near and dear to my heart. I have seen Kirsta the most out of all the sweeties. Someday I hope for my C and her B to marry and we are going to live next door to each other in our perfect little lives ;). The list goes on, Marje and Susan came to my house on Memorial Day weekend 2008. Christy met me in Charlotte on one of my visits there and then came here this past fall to hold me and take care of me while my heart was breaking. There is Steph who I feel like connected with me instantly when I met her as well in Santa Barbara and we hung out on the beach. There is Lori who with her little L and E, met Kirsta and I at a park in Boulder to eat and play. This Sweetie list doesn't include the mommies that I haven't met, but want to and will meet as life moves on.

I can honestly say that my best friends are from online. I have great friends in real life as well, some who I would also label best friends. But how lucky am I to have been given this gift of online friendship and support. I know people think I am crazy when I tell them how I know so many people from all around the country. Let them think I am crazy. They will never be able to go to any airport in the country and KNOW that they have a friend in that city if by chance something happened and they needed a place to crash for the night. I can say that. Because while I listed a few of the amazing people here who I have had the honor of meeting, there are many many more that would take me in, in a heartbeat.

So today to all of my friends out there, in all your varied time zones, I dedicate this song to you:

It's not about me

As I have crawled out from under my rock and started blinking into the light, I have realized how absolutely self absorbed I have been. Not in a me me me sort of way. Just in the survival mode sort of way. There for awhile I had nothing else to give. Anything I DID have to give was for my three girls. And that was it. We ate out way too much, didn't take care of appointments like we should have, didn't get haircuts, didn't go to church, didn't socialize, didn't clean our house like it should have been and I could go on like this. We survived. I survived. We closed into ourselves and protected our hearts like never before. But now, now I see the sun. I think they see the sun. And a lot of what I see makes me so sad. So many people that I love and so many people that I don't even know are in pain. I have friends fighting for their literal lives. I have other friends drowning in their marriages, friends whose children have struggles and those who have lost very special people in their lives. I have a grandmother who is the oldest of seven girls, who is watching her sisters slowly fade out from this world and it makes my heart hurt for her. I have a cousin whose baby has severe delays and so far it seems there is nothing they can do for him. I have a friend who is fighting colon cancer like a freaking rock star. I watch the news about Japan and see all of the people who have no family anymore. I can't even wrap my brain around that. Entire families just gone.

Here's the light at the end of this depressing tunnel though. And there is light. It is our heavenly father. I know this because he was there with me during my moments of despair. He laid next to me on my living room floor as I cried my eyes out the night my husband left. He brought amazing people into my life that I never would have even imagined and each one left their mark on me forever. He is still bringing people into my life. And I know it is him. I have felt him and know that although he doesn't promise us that this worldly life will be easy, he does promise to walk by our sides and carry us when we need to be carried. He will bless us through our pain. And so now my prayers change. I can stop focusing so much on my own life and problems and now I can concentrate my faith on praying for those people around me who need to feel his embrace.

Do not fear, for I am with you...for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10
Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Soundtrack of my life

Mid-summer 2010 to End of the year:
Slow Fade- Casting Crowns
Burn in Me- The Glorious Unseen
Lead Me- Sanctus Real
Healing Begins- Tenth Avenue North
While I'm Waiting- John Waller
Hurt- Johnny Cash
I'm Not Who I Was- Brandon Heath
Theme From the Diving Bell and the Butterfly- Paul Cantelon
What About Now- Daughtry
Your Hand in Mine- Explosions in the Sky
Because of You- Reba and Kelli Pickler
Brighter Days- Leeland
Come Back to Me- David Cook
Dancing in the Minefields- Andrew Peterson
Remember When- Alan Jackson
Held- Natalie Grant*****This song absolutely SAVED ME!
Autumn Leaves- Paolo Nutini
Change Your Mind- The Killers
My Own Little World- Matthew West
What Makes You Stay- Deana Carter

And I finally started cresting the hill of hell in January...The soudtrack from then until now:
Just A Dream- Nelly
Chains of Love- The Dirtbombs
I Gave You All- Mumford and Sons
A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
Last Friday Night- Katy Perry*** the theme to many a good night
Fix You- Coldplay*** For Kelly :)
Not Like the Movies- Katy Perry
Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons
You're So Vain- Carly Simon
Smile- Uncle Kracker
Fuckin Perfect- Pink*** For my Cindy
My Dick- Mickey Avalon*** Pure comic relief
Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
This Afternoon- Nickelback
Who'd Have Known- Lily Allen
Fooling Myself- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
For My Own Good- The Damnwells
Growing Up Beside You- Paolo Nutini
Just Breathe- Pearl Jam
Just Tonight- The Pretty Reckless
Let Go- Frou Frou
Lose Some Time- Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
Never Say Never- The Fray
The Perfect Space- The Avett Brothers
Rainy Monday- Shiny Toy Guns
Read My Mind- The Killers
Roll Away Your Stone- Mumford and Sons *** Thanks Nick
Sell the Lie- The Damnwells

Music

I adore good music. I love to discover new bands and if I find a song I truly click with, I have been known to play it on repeat obsessively. So I knew things were bad this past year when the music I loved became way too painful to listen to. Every song I heard reminded me of the pain I was in. The only station I could listen to was KLOVE as it kept me focused on my faith and not the situation that I was in. Over the past 2 months I have finally come out of my shell and I am back to listening to music; all kinds of music. The best part about it now is that none of the songs remind me of him. They have started taking on new associations about new experiences that I am having. I have said to friends that I need to write down my soundtrack of my life over the last year as it really tells the story of where I have been. So today I am going to start doing just that. I will post it here when it is complete.

So it goes

My follow through kinda of, sort of, does suck. I truly wanted to do the year of nurturing and while I haven't stopped nurturing myself, life distracted me from blogging about it.

Each day, each turn it gets a little bit easier. I find more and more, that the things I miss about having my ex here are random to say the least. I miss his t-shirts, I miss the flashlight he always kept under his sink, I miss his shoe shine kit. What I don't miss is him. I finally turned that corner. Now when I see him there is no longing, there is really just a lack of feeling altogether. Sometimes I still get angry, but it is because of the kids. They are still reeling a lot of the time. So I see that, I see him neglecting conversations that need to be happening between him and them and I get upset.

Sometimes at night I get lonely, but it's not for him anymore, it's for a body against me. It's for that security that you feel laying in someone's arms, just the two of you. But other than that, I am doing pretty good. I am living my life, trying things I never have before and truly truly enjoying myself. I sometimes almost feel a little guilty for the enjoyment I am getting out of my life. But not too much.

So while I have been away, I have been healing. I have been taking in life and realizing that while it didn't stop while I was in the depths of hell, life was still here when I was ready to climb out. For that I am grateful.

Day 18

Wow yesterday was a tough day. I had a fever along with a miserable cold AND it was a snow day. I did however allow myself to rest when I needed, which was every time the Ibuprofren wore off. So as simple as that is, that is how I took care of myself.

Boredom

I remember during the summer, seeing several status updates on Facebook where people were complaining about being bored. It made me angry. I felt like I was drowning and what I wouldn't give to be bored. I wondered at the time how it would feel to wake up from my nightmare and feel at ease, bored, etc? I couldn't even fathom that I would ever feel that way again. I couldn't see the future and all I felt was hopeless and scared and so very alone. So I vowed I would never use the word bored to complain again. Boredom is a luxury. It's not a pain. It's not somewhere terrible to be. Terrible is finding out your child is sick with a disease. Terrible is not having a home or food. Terrible is defending your country and never coming home again. Terrible is watching your family be torn apart! Those are things that I wouldn't blame someone for complaining about, but boredom?!? I don't want to hear whining when you can't find something to do. In fact if you are bored, you should celebrate it. Because that probably means you have a pretty decent life.

Yesterday for the first time in 7 months, I realized that I was once again feeling bored. I just smiled, because the healing is here and doing it's thing :) Thank you for being bored!

Day 16 and 17

Day 16- Was a completely lazy day. I don't get many of those so I took every last ounce of it. Two baths, books, t.v. and cuddles with my girls.

Day 17- I bought a new coat! It's a nice black wool one with an Audrey Hepburn sort of style. I figured since my girlfriend, C, gave me the whole "new coat" analogy, I would literally buy one to celebrate my new life. And to quote Katy Perry "Baby you're a firework" and "after the hurricane, comes the rainbow"! Both of these things feel very true to me.

Day 14 and 15

Friday was day 14. Two weeks since I started this "project". It was a rough day. My two older daughters are struggling emotionally and it is showing up in physical ailments. They both got sent home from school with upset stomachs. My kids who have never had attendance issues do now. They just want to be home here with me in our little cocoon. I don't blame them. I often just want to hide as well. As soon as they got home it was fairly apparent that they weren't sick. They were fighting like cats and dogs. So I called their father and told him he could have them that night. So far he has only had them one night at a time. I have never let him have back to backs. So this was big. I needed a mommy break and he wanted this time with them, so it was win-win. I took a bath, read a book and went to sleep all by myself in my big bed AND I actually slept. I think this is progress.

Saturday Day 15
I met an old friend for lunch. She divorced in 2008. She and I talked for a long time and I think we are going to be good for each other. In fact I know we are. She also doesn't have her son on Wednesday nights so I think we will meet a few nights. I am so lucky to have this continued support. We had some mutual nurturing going on.

Hair and other wonderful things Day 13

I hadn't gotten my hair done since early September, before he left. Part of the reason was my hairdresser happens to be a very good family friend. In fact her daughter was our flower girl in our wedding. I dreaded going in there, not because I didn't want to see her, but because I knew I was going to be emotional. I knew she "knew" what was going on. She had sent me a message telling me I was in her prayers, but messaging and seeing are two totally different things.

So yesterday was my appointment. I sat in the waiting area which is closed off from the salon. I decided to check my email on my phone while waiting. I received the most beautiful email from my brother in law(I have left out actual names to protect the innocent):

H,
One of the things that I have been thinking about from D’s prayer the other night, was the thought of you being in a place, at times, in darkness and despair but that God is light and that God’s light is where you want to be, as we all do. I’m not going to pretend that it is always possible to be in the light because of our human nature to respond to things that are thrown on our plates that take us down. When our Spirits, Faith, Trust in our lives are in the right place, God’s light is always in place for us to walk in to.

As I was sharing with D the other night, I made mention of this portion of his prayer. The thought that ran through my mind is the analogy of a lighthouse. The light is obviously God, but as the light circles and leaves us a bit (even though we are not completely shut out because we can still follow it), circumstances cause us to stumble but we know that if we stand firm on our Faith and be patient, we will soon be in the full light again because we know it is coming around again.

S(my nephew) is a very sensitive kid. C(my sister) and I were talking with him the other night and he was very emotional about the issue with your family. It occurred to me that his emotional state is only a very small fraction of what your girls are experiencing and feeling. My (our) support is with you fully as you provide “the rock” for your girls. You have our pledge to provide any kind of additional stability to you and your family.

H, you are in a very good place Spiritually. I know you will come out of this as a changed person and will be a “Rock” for your children and many others. Never lose sight of the “Light” as there is no better place to be.

Have a great day!

Probably NOT the best time to read those loving words. I was sitting in the waiting area sobbing. The receptionist tried to ignore me while I tried to bury myself in my purse, trying to look like there was something very important for me to do in that black bag. I collected myself just in time to have L(my hairdresser) walk around the corner with "the eyes". The eyes that I get all the time when I go through this process. They are compassionate, sorrowful, what can I do, eyes. We hugged and the sobs came back. She says she is not a therapist, but yesterday she was. She lovingly held me, talked to me, looked me in the eye, and cared for me. Oh and she did my hair and eyebrows. She nurtured me.

So in that hour that I spent with her, in the salon, God touched me twice. Once with an eloquent letter from my brother in law and again with a friend who truly cares about and loves me. These are the sort of things that tell me that He is there providing me with loving people and hands to take care of me. I will be ok. Thank you God for providing me with everything I need to weather this storm.

Day 12 Laughter

Laughter is truly the best medicine. I am so thankful for my friend Cindy. She took me to dinner tonight and we laughed the entire time. It's never dull when the two of us get together. She lifted me up just how I needed. We are truly cut from the same cloth and people should be scared. Very scared!

Day 11- I'm busy getting stronger

Yesterday was a rough day. I try to keep my chin up and remain peaceful and positive, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes I just want to cry, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to face the reality of my life. So this was the first day that I really had trouble nurturing myself. Add on to that fact that I dream about him almost every night, it makes for an emotional me.

So yesterday I tried to be nurturing to myself. I did my devotions, took a bath, had a visit with a friend and yet I was still sort of in a funk. As I reflected on the ways I tried to nurture me I realized that although I felt down, the effort is something. I am going to have bad days. I am going to be sad and down. This is grieving. So yesterday I nurtured by allowing myself to feel those things. And when those days come again(which I am quite sure they will), I will give the effort, but also be accepting about the emotions.

A friend shared this song with me and it is fitting for where I am right now:

Day 10

I am starting to really enjoy this nurturing project.

Day 10 was a snow day for my girls. I love having them around even if they are arguing and only have one volume. They still bring me peace. We watched movies, sat by the fire, and read. We ended the night at our neighbors for a yummy dinner and good company.

Day 9

Tonight I am going to do a run down of the ways I was blessed and nurtured today.

It started with church this morning. I was blessed with the presence of so many wonderful people who went out of their way to greet me with hugs, smiles and of course love. One of these people brought me a devotional today(I'm becoming a collector of sorts ;)) Her husband had reached out to me last week. A sort of gruff and no nonsense man who approached me with tears in his eyes, and told me how loved I was and this week they gave me this gift. A gift that was given to them by their son and daughter in law. The book is called "Jesus Calling" by Sara Young.

After I got home from church I got a message from my favorite NC friend, who had been thinking of me after her sermon this morning. Her message hit home with me. Once again touched by words at the appropriate time. C- I am going to buy a "new" quilt. I need to part ways with my old one. I love you too!

Mid-afternoon- We got to meet a sweet sweet puppy with one blue eye and one brown eye. I held her and kissed her. Her name is Faith. How appropriate for man's best friend.

And tonight while surrounded by my family and three of the best girlfriends I could ask for, I was blessed by an evangelist from our church. I was told over and over again during this blessing that I am not alone. He is with me and he loves me. He wants me to delve deeper into the gospels and to use them as my life-guide. He wants me to use my skills and talents to do his work, to glorify him! Words I have spoken and a message that I am open to and willing to do.

I will end this night by being surrounded by three of the most beautiful blessings God could have given me. Each one of them is so very special. I know that not everyone has the opportunity to be a mother. I know that itself is a blessing. I take this job very seriously. I want my girls to grow up in a home full of love and faith. I may not be able to give them the "perfect" family, but they will know love, and joy and God!